This Week in the fRIDAY fUNNIES ...
Friday, November 12, 2010
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
Friday, November 12, 2010
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
Its been a couple of weeks between issues … my apologies especially if you’re going thru fRIDAY fUNNIES withdrawal! Real life had raised it’s head and got in the way, but all is well, and now we’re back in the saddle. Be smart – take an extra minute to read down to the bottom – you won’t be sorry!
So please, start resending your jokes! Need to fill up the queue! And do have a fabulous weekend! J DrB
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Comments & Contributors
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- SymanSays - Read This poem!
- Tom Sokolowski – Walking Eagle
- From Sokolowski – Jewish Divorce
- Joanne Tenaglio – Involuntary Muscle Contraction
- Barbara Rosenberg – 3 Little Boys
- Irving4 – O Sole Mio: Beautiful, Bravo, Viva Israel & Italy
- Denny Adams – The Redneck and the Lord
- Feedblitz – Motivation is Needed to Pulll the Levers
- Eliane Lederman – The Nun and the Cabbie
- Eliane Lederman – A Man Walks Into Shul …
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From SymanSays - Read This poem!
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If you don't read this poem real soon,
I'll make you eat a rotten prune.
And if you stop just halfway through,
I'll pinch you till your face turns blue.
Don't even think to finish here
Or else I'll have to pull your ear.
But if you read it to the end,
I promise that I'll be your friend.
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From Tom Sokolowski – Walking Eagle
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President
BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major
gathering of the American Indian Nation two
weeks ago in upstate New York .
He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for
increasing every Native American’s present
standard of living. He referred to his time as a
U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every
Native American issue that came to the floor of
the Senate.
Although President Obama was vague about the details of
his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke
eloquently about his ideas for helping his “red
sisters and brothers.”
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented
Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new
Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud
President then departed in his motorcade to a
fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how
they came to select the new name they had given
to the President.
They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given
to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
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From Sokolowski – Jewish Divorce
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Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"
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From Feedblitz – Grandmas Without Towels
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From Joanne Tenaglio – Involuntary Muscle Contraction
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A professor at the University of Missouri was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
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From Barbara Rosenberg – 3 Little Boys
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They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school |
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads
in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked,
"'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis,
because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss,
because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"
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From Irving4 – O Sole Mio: Beautiful, Bravo, Viva Israel & Italy
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From Denny Adams – The Redneck and the Lord
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An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, Is that Jesus sitting over there?”The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there, sweet thang. How’s about gettin’ me a cold glass of Coke!” He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that God’s boy over there?”
The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, “On my bill.”
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.
The Redneck jumped up and begged, “Please, don’t touch me — I’m drawin’ disability!”
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From Feedblitz – Motivation is Needed to Pulll the Levers
From Feedblitz – Motivation is Needed to Pulll the Levers
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From Eliane Lederman – The Nun and the Cabbie
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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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From Eliane Lederman – A Man Walks Into Shul …
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Quicky translation of a couple of keywords before reading:
Shul – temple
Shammas – leader in the temple
Tallis – prayer shawl
Tallis bag – bag containing the tallis
Kipa – yamika (skull cap)
Daven – pray
Siddur – prayer book
A man walks into shul with a dog The shammas comes up to him and says, 'Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here.'
'What do you mean,' says the man, 'this is a Jewish dog. Look.' And the shammas looks carefully and sees, that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck, this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
'Rover,' says the man, 'kipa!'. 'Woof!' says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
'Rover,' says the man, 'tallis!'. 'Woof!' says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
'Rover,' says the man, 'daven!' 'Woof!' says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
'That's fantastic,' says the shammas, 'absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood , get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make millions of dollars!!
'You speak to him,' says the man. 'He wants to be a doctor.'
Have a terrific weekend!
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