Friday, October 1, 2010
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com/
And so another long long long long week comes to an end … I need to catch up on sleep … and must drive a zillion hours to do some serious babysitting …hopefully, Iron Man 2 will prove to be sufficient entertainment! J Dr Bernie
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Comments & Contributors
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· Barbara Rosenberg – Clueless
· Tom Sokolowski – Every once in a while you run into a genius with true talent!
SymanSays – Printer Problem
SymanSays – Printer Problem
· Indexed – Stress
· SymanSays – Tooth Fairy Policy
· the ImberBabe – 1970-2010
· cousin Eliane Lederman – Adult Truths
· Sokolowski – Yiddishe Kup!
· Fred Silver – Yellow – Pink – Green
· Denny Adams - Tashlich
--- Bonus from Sid & Kathy - Wedding Fairies
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From Barbara Rosenberg – Clueless
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Hi. This is Sarah Palin. Is Senator Lieberman in?"
"No, governor. This is Yom Kippur."
"Well, can I leave a message, Mr. Kippur?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Hi. This is Sarah Palin. Is Senator Lieberman in?"
"No, governor. This is Yom Kippur."
"Well, can I leave a message, Mr. Kippur?"
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From Tom Sokolowski – Every once in a while you run into a genius with true talent!
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Innovative2. Preliminary3. Proliferation4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Specificity2. Anti-constitutionalistically3. Passive-aggressive disorder4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. No thanks, I'm married.2. Nope, no more booze for me!3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.5. I'm not interested in fighting you.6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordinationand I'd hate to look like a fool!7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From SymanSays – Printer Problem
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A woman called the Canon help desk, about a problem she was having with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working just fine".
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From Indexed - Stress
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From SymanSays – Tooth Fairy Policy
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What doea a tooth fairy give for half a tooth?
"Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth."
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Bonus Shorty:
Bonus Shorty:
"Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop."
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From the ImberBabe – 1970-2010
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1970-2010
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From cousin Eliane Lederman – Adult Truths
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1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I wouldbet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I wouldbet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
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From Sokolowski – Yiddishe Kup !
From Sokolowski – Yiddishe Kup !
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Moishe (the father) says to his son: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
The son says: "I will choose my own bride."
Moishe says: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."
The son answers: "Well, in that case, yes, OK."
Moishe then approaches Bill Gates and says: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates answers: "But my daughter is too young to get married!"
Moishe says: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates answers: "Ah, in that case, yes, OK."
Finally, Moishe goes to see the president of the World Bank. Moishe says: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
The president answers: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Moishe says: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."
The President answers: "Ah, in that case, yes, OK."
And that is how successful people do business.....
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From Fred Silver – Yellow – Pink - Green
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We ' ve all talked to this guy...At Last....A Picture of Him.
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, ' Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job. '
Mujibar said, ' I am ready. '
The manager said, ' Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green . '
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
' Mister manager, I am ready. '
The manager said, ' Go ahead. '
Mujibar said, ' The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar. '
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
The Personnel Manager said, ' Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job. '
Mujibar said, ' I am ready. '
The manager said, ' Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green . '
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
' Mister manager, I am ready. '
The manager said, ' Go ahead. '
Mujibar said, ' The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar. '
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
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From Denny Adams – Tashlich
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Tashlich
On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins.
Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors:
For ordinary sins
White Bread
For erotic sins
French Bread
For particularly dark sins
Pumpernickel
For complex sins
Multi-Grain
For twisted sins
Pretzels
For tasteless sins
Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision
Waffles
For sins committed in haste
Matzoh
For sins of chutzpah
Fresh Bread
For substance abuse
Stoned Wheat
On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins.
Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors:
For ordinary sins
White Bread
For erotic sins
French Bread
For particularly dark sins
Pumpernickel
For complex sins
Multi-Grain
For twisted sins
Pretzels
For tasteless sins
Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision
Waffles
For sins committed in haste
Matzoh
For sins of chutzpah
Fresh Bread
For substance abuse
Stoned Wheat
For use of heavy drugs
Poppy Seed
For petty larceny
Stollen
For committing auto theft
Caraway
For timidity/cowardice
Milk Toast
For ill-temperedness
Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity
Nut Bread
For not giving full value
Shortbread
For jingoism, chauvinism
Yankee Doodles
For excessive irony
Rye Bread
For unnecessary chances
Hero Bread
For telling bad jokes/puns
Corn Bread
For war-mongering
Kaiser Rolls
For dressing immodestly
Tarts
For causing injury to others
Tortes
For lechery and promiscuity
Hot Buns
For promiscuity with gentiles
Hot Cross Buns
For racist attitudes
Crackers
For sophisticated racism
Ritz Crackers
For being holier than thou
Bagels
For abrasiveness
Grits
For dropping in without notice
Popovers
For over-eating
Stuffing
For impetuosity
Quick Bread
For indecent photography
Cheesecake
For raising your voice too often
Challah
For pride and egotism
Puff Pastry
For sycophancy, ass-kissing
Brownies
For being overly smothering
Angel Food Cake
For laziness
Any long loaf
For trashing the environment
Dumplings
Happy New Year!
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Bonus from Sid & Kathy - Wedding Fairies
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Wedding Fairy
A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their
40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant....
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a
wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world
with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! -
two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very
romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry
my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is
a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband
became 93 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful
bastards should remember fairies are female .....
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