Friday, May 13, 2011
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
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Comments & Contributors
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- Barry – Dear …
- SyH – Great Truths Adults Have Learned
- Feedblitz – Often a Wonderful Thing
- cousin Eliane Lederman – Photo of the Day
- Paul Keister - What Happens When You Cut Down Too Many Trees!
- Ken – Difference If You Marry a Jewish Girl
- Feedblitz – Go On, You Can Take ‘Em
- Tom Sokolowski – Simply Amazing
- Sokolowski – Depression Cured
- Sokolowski – Happy & Sad
- Hank via Barry – The Hat
- SyH – It Could Be a True Story
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From Barry – Dear …
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Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through
them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle
Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that Door for the both of us.
Sincerely,
Jack
PS, you let go
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder
Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely, The World
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From SyH – Great Truths Adults Have Learned
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Great Truths That Adults Have Learned.
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise, it's just like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
toy.
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From Feedblitz – Often a Wonderful Thing
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| A WONDERFUL THING |
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From cousin Eliane Lederman – Photo of the Day
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| FISH FOOD |
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From Paul Keister - What Happens When You Cut Down Too Many Trees!
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| NOT ENOUGH TREES |
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From Ken – Difference If You Marry a Jewish Girl
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Three friends married women from three different religions.....
The first man married a Catholic. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Muslim woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a Jewish woman. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and three hot meals on the table every single day.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
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From Feedblitz – Go On, You Can Take ‘Em
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| C'MON, YOU CAN TAKE 'EM! |
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From Tom Sokolowski – Simply Amazing
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You used to be able to get lost in the crowd, but not anymore. Double click on any area in the picture to bring the person closer, or, just click the mouse and use the mouse wheel to bring them closer.
This is a photograph of 2009 Obama Inauguration. You can see IN FOCUS the face of EACH individual in the crowd !!!
You can scan and zoom to any section of the crowd. Wait a few seconds. Double click anywhere and the focus adjusts to give you a very identifiable close up.
The picture was taken with a robotic 1474 megapixel camera (295 times the standard 5 megapixel camera). Every one attending could be scanned after the event, should something have gone wrong during it.
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From Sokolowski – Depression Cured
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After both suffering depression for a while,
My husband and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough,
Once he killed himself I started to feel a lot better,
So I thought screw it, I'll soldier on..!
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From Sokolowski – Happy & Sad
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From Sokolowski – Happy & Sad
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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned
to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me
anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
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| She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest d*ck." |
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From Hank via Barry – The Hat
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A Rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew the hat off his head. The Rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it.
From Hank via Barry – The Hat
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A Rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew the hat off his head. The Rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it.
A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the Rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile handed the hat over to the Rabbi. The Rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man $20, put his hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing.
The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the race track. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could.
After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father.
"I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man. "I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of Top Hat was running. The odds on this horse were 100-to-1. It was the longest shot in the field."
After saving the Rabbi's hat, having received the Rabbi's blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing Top Hat in the fifth race, I thought this was a mes-sage from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat. An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by 5 lengths.
"You must have made a fortune," said the father.
"Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better," replied the son. "In the following race, a horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1" Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the Rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."
"What happened?" asked the excited father.
"Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!"
"Are you telling me you brought home all this money?" asked his excited father.
"No," said the son. "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named Chateau, which is French for hat. So I decided to bet all the money on Chateau. But the horse broke down and came in last."
"Hat in French is "Chapeau" not "Chateau", you moron," said the father. "You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?"
The son answered, "A 100-to-1 long shot from Japan named Yamaka."
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From SyH – It Could Be a True Story
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A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women us 30,000."
The wife thought for a while, then finally said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say!"
The husband said, "What?"
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Have a terrific weekend!
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