The fRIDAY fUNNIES by Dr Bernie

Friday, May 20, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

Dear Earth and Neighboring Planets & Universes,

  Ever feel that you really NEED the weekend?  Gotta chill out … recover from the midweek evils that surround us? I’m really there right now … just gotta chill … would love a killer burger & some fries … but, beef & fried anything is bad!  Ugh!  So it’s time to embrace the friends  & loved ones around … and the doggie … and try to sneak a cookie later!

  Have a GREAT weekend!    J Dr Bernie

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Comments & Contributors
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·      Feedblitz – The Truth Hurts

·      Tom Sokolowski - The Situation Room

·      the south jersey deviler via SyH – joke of the day

·      Feedblitz – Say It With Flowers

·      Barbara Rosenberg – Shampoo Alert

·      Harry Farkas via SymanSays – Jest for the PUN of It

·      Sokolowski – The Female Marine Instructor

·      Sokolowski – News on Osama Ben Laden

·      Barbara Rosenberg – Patriotic Retirement Plan

·      Feedblitz – Apartment Archeology

·      Cousin Eliane – The Israeli Dog vs the Arab Dog

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From Feedblitz – The Truth Hurts

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From Tom Sokolowski - The Situation Room~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3D - Wow

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From  the south jersey deviler via SyH – joke of the day

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~From The South Jersey Deviler-

Once upon a time during a rainy night, a nun became lost and stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there.

Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chef. She was met by two of the Brothers.

The first one says, "Hello Sister. I am brother Michael, and this is brother Charlie."

"I'm so pleased to meet you," replied the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for such a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other Brother and says, "then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm afraid, I'm the chip monk."

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From Feedblitz – Say It With Flowers

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Forgiveness vs Size?

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From Barbara Rosenberg – Shampoo Alert

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Shampoo alert!

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time

to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the

shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"!

Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"!

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says right on the label

"dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

It pays to read the warning labels, my friends!

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From Harry Farkas via SymanSays – Jest for the PUN of It

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JEST FOR THE PUN OF IT: -By Harry Farkas, Via Teddi's Humor List-

Professor Miller's colleague Gonnen Dunnit of the physic's department, has spent a lifetime pursuing the as-of-yet unreachable goal of creating cold fusion in the lab. In his latest effort, he used molecules from vegetables to trigger the process on the atomic level.

During one attempt, it seemed that Professor Dunnit actually achieved his goal - the process resulted in a special burst of energy. The professor wrote it up and submitted it, but no other scientist could duplicate his results. The Nobel Prize committee considered his results but dismissed Professor Dunnit's efforts, saying he had only created a ball of corn fusion.

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From Sokolowski – The Female Marine Instructor

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Entering a classroom at MCAS (Marine Corps Air Station) Yuma, a female Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience.  She was selected to provide a full hour's instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.

She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it   was suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new "Bitching Betty." However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male homosexual within earshot.

The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs.  150 pairs of eyes were wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.

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From Sokolowski – News on Osama Ben Laden

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This just In from Muslim Heaven***NEWS ON OSAMA BIN LADEN

OSAMA BIN LADIN has just met with the first of  his 72 virgins that Allah promised

First of  72 Virgins!

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From Barbara Rosenberg – Patriotic Retirement Plan

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Dear Mr. President,



Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.



You can call it
the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":



There are about 40
million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece
severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:





1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.





2) They MUST buy anew AMERICAN Car. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.





3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.



It can't get any easier than that!!





P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes..



Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare.
I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!



If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.



If not, please disregard. BOLD letters in case you can't hear . . . 


God Bless this WORLD . . .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~From Feedblitz – Apartment Archeology

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Could the be anything else behind the layers?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~From Cousin Eliane – The Israeli Dog vs the Arab Dog~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would

someday end  up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their

dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath.

This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best

fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people

the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down

its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world.

They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest

Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the

best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers

in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up,

they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert

trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up

with a    very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there

seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against

the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and

predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of

the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its

jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left

but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the

ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel

let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in

disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists

and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans,

Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing

machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish

plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a

Dachshund."

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Have a terrific weekend!

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