 |
| by Dr Bernie |
Friday, November 18, 2011
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
Hi Everyone … Have
been under the weather for the past couple of weeks … but I finally made time
for an issue ‘cause I know you’re breathlessly waiting for the fUNNIES. Hope you enjoy them and the weekend! J DrB
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Comments & Contributors
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·
Dick Szeide & from Rich Olcott – 11 Sounds Your
Kids Have Probably Never Heard
·
Chas Young – Virus Alert
·
Fred Silver – Shortest College Essay Ever
·
Chas Young – Julie Andrews at 70
·
Dave Thorn – Herman Cain!!!
·
Shirotora.net – Disorder in American Courts
·
Margaret Greenberg – Golf Balls
·
Clark Kidd – Final Proof
·
Alberto Ramos – American Pie
·
Chas Young – Philosophy 101 for Men
·
Chas – Its Hell to be Old
· Chuck
Hopf – The eTrade Baby Loses It
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From Dick
Szeide & from Rich Olcott – 11 Sounds Your Kids Have Probably Never Heard
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My kids,
now in their 40's have used a party line.
We have a cabin in rural PA. You
know if the call is for you by the ring pattern. (Not ring tone.) I have actually made a call on a hand-cranked
telephone. It was in a roadhouse near
the Appalachian Trail. They had a crank
phone because they'd always had a crank phone.
Oh, and a
nephew recently told me he'd never licked a postage stamp.
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From Chas Young – Virus Alert
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Virus
Alert - Ways to protect yourself
There
is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This
virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK
from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT
TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If
you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good
friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until
WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You
should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you
have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Update:
After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy
(BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
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From Fred Silver – Shortest College Essay Ever
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 |
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From Chas
Young – Julie Andrews at 70
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To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews
made a special appearance at
New York’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite
Things' from the legendary
movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
> > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > >> > > > >
> > > >
(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things...
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
> > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > >> >
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please
share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humour with others who
would appreciate it)
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From Dave Thorn – Herman Cain!!!
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From Shirotora.net
– Disorder in American Courts
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These are
from a book called Disorder in the
American Courts,and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband
said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: Yeah, my name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget?
Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Margaret
Greenberg – Golf Balls
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser
pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it)
blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his
bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said,
"It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long
time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain
her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow
?"
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From Clark
Kidd – Final Proof
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There is
finally conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead.
Yesterday,
they both registered to vote in Chicago.
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From Alberto
Ramos – American Pie
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Funny, yet somewhat sadly true.
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From Chas Young – Philosophy 101 for Men
From Chas Young – Philosophy 101 for Men
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When a man steals
your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette
After marriage,
husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other,
but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means
marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll
become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us
to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great
question. which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman
want?"
Dumas
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous
'There's
a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's
called marriage.'
Sam
Kinison
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From Chas – Its Hell to be Old
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OLD people have problems that you haven't
From Chas – Its Hell to be Old
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OLD people have problems that you haven't
Even
considered yet!
An
80-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor
for a sperm count as part of his physical
Exam.
The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
This
jar home and bring back a semen sample
Tomorrow.'
The
next day the 80-year-old man reappeared
At the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
Which was as clean and empty as on the
Previous day.
The
doctor asked what happened and the man
Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first
I tried
With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
With my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then
I asked my wife for help. She tried with
Her right hand, then with her left, still
nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth
in,
Then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We
even called up Arleen, the lady next door
And she tried too, first with both hands, then
an
Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
between
Her knees, but still nothing.....'
The
doctor was shocked!
'You
asked your neighbour?'
The
old man replied,
'Yep,
none of us could get the jar open.'
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From Chuck Hopf – The eTrade Baby
Loses It
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Have a
terrific weekend!
~~~~~~~~
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1996-today, All Rights Reserved. If you use
any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective
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