Friday, November 18, 2011

18 Nov 2011

by Dr Bernie





Friday, November 18, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

Hi Everyone … Have been under the weather for the past couple of weeks … but I finally made time for an issue ‘cause I know you’re breathlessly waiting for the fUNNIES.  Hope you enjoy them and the weekend!  J DrB

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Comments & Contributors
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·      Dick Szeide & from Rich Olcott – 11 Sounds Your Kids Have Probably Never Heard
·      Chas Young – Virus Alert
·      Fred Silver – Shortest College Essay Ever
·      Chas Young – Julie Andrews at 70
·      Dave Thorn – Herman Cain!!!
·      Shirotora.net – Disorder in American Courts
·      Margaret Greenberg – Golf Balls
·      Clark Kidd – Final Proof
·      Alberto Ramos – American Pie
·      Chas Young – Philosophy 101 for Men
·      Chas – Its Hell to be Old
·      Chuck Hopf – The eTrade Baby Loses It

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From Dick Szeide & from Rich Olcott – 11 Sounds Your Kids Have Probably Never Heard
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My kids, now in their 40's have used a party line.  We have a cabin in rural PA.  You know if the call is for you by the ring pattern.  (Not ring tone.)  I have actually made a call on a hand-cranked telephone.  It was in a roadhouse near the Appalachian Trail.  They had a crank phone because they'd always had a crank phone.


Oh, and a nephew recently told me he'd never licked a postage stamp.
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From Chas Young – Virus Alert
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Virus Alert - Ways to protect yourself

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

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From  Fred Silver – Shortest College Essay Ever
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From Chas Young – Julie Andrews at 70
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To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
New York’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary
movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > >

(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things...

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> >
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please
share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humour with others who
would appreciate it)


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From Dave Thorn – Herman Cain!!!
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From Shirotora.net – Disorder in American Courts
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These are from  a book called Disorder in the American Courts,and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:      What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:    And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     Yeah, my name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do..
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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From Margaret Greenberg – Golf Balls
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A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"

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From Clark Kidd – Final Proof
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There is finally conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead.

Yesterday, they both registered to vote in Chicago.
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From Alberto Ramos – American Pie
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Funny, yet somewhat sadly true.


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From Chas Young – Philosophy 101 for Men
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question. which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

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From Chas – Its Hell to be Old
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OLD people have problems that you haven't
Even considered yet! 
    
An 80-year-old man was requested by his 
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
Exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
This jar home and bring back a semen sample
 Tomorrow.' 

The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared
 At the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
 Which was as clean and empty as on the 
 Previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man
 Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
 With my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried
 With my left hand, but still nothing. 

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with
 Her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. 
 She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
 Then with her teeth out, still nothing. 

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
 And she tried too, first with both hands, then an
 Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
 Her knees, but still nothing.....'

The doctor was shocked! 
'You asked your neighbour?'   
  
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get  the jar open.'

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From Chuck Hopf – The eTrade Baby Loses It
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Have a terrific weekend!
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