30 April 2010

30 April 2010

Hi Everyone!
 These should give you the jolt to kick off your weekend right. Here in the metro NYC area, it is BEAUTIFUL outside. So get out there and joy the weather … you can always come back and read these later!
:
-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Paul Keister – Exercise For Those Over 50
• Chuck Hopf = Ever Feel a Little Bit Stupid?
• SymanSays – Jokes of the Day
• Tom Sokolowski – Help Ban Fox Hunting in Colorado
• Eliane Lederman – Mess with Seniors
• Joel Goldstein - Sayings of the Jewish Buddha
• Barbara Rosenberg – Realization About My Dog
• Stan Kegel – A Need for Glasses?
• Feedblitz – Why Bullies Are So Awful?
• Frank Ingrassia – Universal Truth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister – Exercise For Those Over 50
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's a good exercise program even if you are not 50 yet.

Pass to all 50 yrs. And older
Cardiovascular Health-Simple Exercise


The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!





Scroll Down.





































































NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a glass of Wine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chuck Hopf = Ever Feel a Little Bit Stupid?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix "
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM SymanSays – Jokes of the Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thought For The Day:

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I go buy something." -Jackie Mason-

~~~~~*****~~~~~

JOKE OF THE DAY:

Headlines Gone Wrong: -From Senior Lifestyle Digest-

Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over What a guy?

War dims hope for peace.
I can see where it might have that effect!

Cold war linked to temperatures.
Who would have thought?

Red tape holds up bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

New study of obesity looks for larger group Weren't they fat enough?

Typhoon rips through cemetery, hundreds dead Did I read that right?

Hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors
Boy, are they tall.

Local high school dropouts cut in half
Chainsaw massacre all over again.

Kids make nutritionist snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

"Where have all the proofreader's gone?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Help Ban Fox Hunting in Colorado
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you agree with this please send it on to the powers that be.
Hope we can stop it.

While I don't agree that hunting is an ethical God given right, I think that I would have to agree with the author on this one.... Fox hunting in Colorado should be banned!


Please help ban fox hunting in Colorado

THIS MADNESS MUST STOP!!

Signed,
Peter Cottontail


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Eliane Lederman – Mess with Seniors
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us
have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk. The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said.

The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room

full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear
or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of
strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"


"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.


The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice.
"And what is wrong with your
ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it", he replied.


The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Joel Goldstein - Sayings of the Jewish Buddha
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others.The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.

You might want to see a specialist. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself.

The Buddha says, There is no self.So, maybe we're off the hook.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Realization About My Dog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this she pays nothing and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.

She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,

"Holy %#@&*, my dog is a democrat!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – A Need for Glasses?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in first grade he came home one day distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so much?"
He answered, "It's not fair - I'm not allowed to go to the library"
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said,

"Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Feedblitz – Why Bullies Are So Awful?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Frank Ingrassia – Universal Truths
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5 How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Mapquest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection.. .again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at

fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2010. All Rights Reserved.

13 April 2010

Apologies for missing a couple of Fridays ... holidays, Cardiac Rehab, too hot, too cold, too rainy ... I can think of more excuses if you want!

Anyway, just a couple midweek to get your juices flowin'!

:) Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

from Tom Sokolowski - Best Condom Ad Ever ...

http://attitude.adforum.com/top5/2010/01/27/aides-graffiti-tbwaparis/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from cousin Eliane - Twenty Dollars

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Dave Thorn - WTF


Fact of Life

After Monday and Tuesday...

even the calendar says


W T F

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Stan Kegel - Some Quicky Groaners

In The Batman stories, how do we know that the joker had venetian blinds in his vehicles?



Otherwise it would have been curtains for him.






What do you get when you cross a snake with a funeral vehicle?


Hiss and hearse.






What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of Mount Everest?


A high pot in use.






What has forty feet and sings?


The school choir.






When is paper money first mentioned in the Bible?


When the dove brought the green back to the ark.






What's the difference between an American student and English student?


About 30000 miles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's All Folks ...

Hope to see you on Friday!    :) Dr Bernie

26 March 2010

Hi Everyone!

Happy Passover, Happy Easter, Happy Everything! Hope you get a chuckle out of these!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Reasons Why the English Language is Fun
• Barbara Rosenberg – Dear Tide
• Neal Flomenbaum and from Barbara Rosenberg – Wishing You a Happy Passover
• Stan Kegel – Just for the Pun of It
• BigGuyHereAgain via SymanSays – Smile, It Does the Body Good!
• Dave Thorn – An Italian Confession
• Neil Stenlake - Rednecks
• Frank Ingrassia – Ouch!
• Garry Lederman – The Fun Part of Getting Old
• Frank Ingrassia – Fall Classes at the Adult Learning Center

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM the Joker via SymanSays – Reasons Why the English Language is Fun
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reasons Why The English Language Is Such Fun To Learn:

** The farm was used to produce produce.
** He could lead if he could get the lead out.
** Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
** When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
** There was a row among the oarsman about how to row.
** They were too close to the door to close it.
** A buck does funny things when the does are present.
** After a number of injections my jaw got number.
** Upun seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
** How can I intimate this to my most intimate friends?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Dear Tide
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neal Flomenbaum and from Barbara Rosenberg – Wishing You a Happy Passover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Just for the Pun of It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If many people get to really liking the President and his following increases, might there be a "Barackacy?"
Without geometry, life is pointless.
Guitarists fret a lot.
The ladies who carry tiny dogs in their purses inspire us to make a new word: pooch pouch.
I had a job in the spice factory, but it was seasonal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM BigGuyHereAgain via SymanSays – Smile, It Does the Body Good!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband, He's still not seeing things my way."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dave Thorn – An Italian Confession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: Bless Me, Father for I have sinned... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake - Rednecks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Yard Swing



A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow . ..
. but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.

Redneck Cooler

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, " I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies ......"Go ahead."

Redneck Cellar

Redneck Garden

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks
to 32 ? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck! (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)

Redneck Time Out

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Frank Ingrassia – Ouch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
"Because..." she replied ...
"I really miss mine"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Garry Lederman – The Fun Part of Getting Old
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Frank Ingrassia – Fall Classes at the Adult Learning Center
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Sat., November 21, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Go to the Restroom by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2010. All Rights Reserved.

19 March 2010

19 March 2010

Hi Everyone!
Terrific -- enjoy ‘em! Spring is here!
:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Syman Says – Thought for the Day
• Tom Sokolowski - How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
• Barbara Rosenberg – How Do You Know When Love Fades?
• Sokolowski – 3 Little Boys
• Denny Adams – The Kissing Nun
• cousin Eliane Lederman – 9 Months Later
• Paul Keister – This Ought to Make All Grandpas Feel Warm and Fuzzy!
• Dr Imberman – The Miracle of Toilet Paper
• Fred Silver – Ed’s Proverbs
• Neil Stenlake – Marriage Humour

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Ssyman Says – Thought for the Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that will talk your ear off.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski - How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one.. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or 'We don't need no stinking light bulb.'

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – How Do You Know When Love Fades?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's
voice from the kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie?
Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken."

She said "Piss off". You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Sokolowski – 3 Little Boys
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"

Sure," said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."

"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'

"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Denny Adams – The Kissing Nun
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I 'm
Catholic!"

"OK," the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane Lederman – 9 Months Later
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney...It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

Yes, I do.' said Bob. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister – This Ought to Make All Grandpas Feel Warm and Fuzzy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dr Imberman – The Miracle of Toilet Paper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver – Ed’s Proverbs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Note to Ed – I know you saw these … and liked them!)

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – Marriage Humour
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
-------------------------------
Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
------------------------------
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humour!'
-------------------------------
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trousers pocket'.

The man then said When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'.

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'*

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2010. All Rights Reserved.

A Quickie Funny on a Monday

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

07 March 2010

7 March 2010 (Sunday)

Dear Earth -
I degenerated on Friday because I was really busy on Thursday and needed sleep on Friday. So I figured I'd get the funnies out on Saturday ... but it was BEAUTIFUL outside, and so, as in my youth, spring fever sprung.

Anyway, here's a couple of goodies I got TODAY ... hope you like 'em ... and I promise to do better next Friday!

:) dr bernie


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Paul Keister - Irish Invasion
• Fred Silver - Old Timers Sex
• Fred Silver - Florida Biker Bar
• Cousin Eliane Lederman - Hollywood Squares
• Cousin Gaylannie - Retarded Grandparents
• Steven Imberman - The Law

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister - Irish Invasion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you.

We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty.'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's
calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes
eleven.'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have
managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor..'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured
personnel carriers.

Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!


We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy,
that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.


My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites..


And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.'

Whoa ,says paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day..
'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy.
I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no damn way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver - Old Timers Sex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well..'


'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence…
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence’!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver - Florida Biker Bar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Cousin Eliane Lederman - Hollywood Squares
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER

Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski - An Old Pilot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.' What are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Cousin Gaylannie - Retarded Grandparents
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(This was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks; they just eat out.

And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wreck center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too..

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

.... PRICELESS


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Steven Imberman - The Law
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Actual Court Responses - These are a hoot!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said,
"Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did
that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were
you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats
and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you
sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie
there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what
ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I
forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget?
Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you
actually
pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest
son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's
twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY:
Were you present
when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:
Are you shitting me?
_______________________________________
__

ATTORNEY: So the date of
conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were
you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting
laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:
She had three children, right?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were
boys?
WITNESS:
None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any
girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I
think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your
first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:
By death.
ATTORNEY:
And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:
Take a guess.
___________________________________________
_

ATTORNEY: Can you
describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about
medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a
male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the
Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this
morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how
I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how
many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS:
All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
fight.
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS:
Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall
the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy
started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton
was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was
by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you
qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you
qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for
last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before
you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check
for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is
possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy ?
WIT NESS :
No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be
so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was
sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but
could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

IN
GOD WE TRUST

19 Feb 2010

19 February 2010

Hi Everyone!

Hope everybody is great – the snow has really wore me down (Shelly is now affectionately referred to as the plow – she does the shoveling so I won’t die! And believe me, I’m grateful!)

And, Shelly and I went to see the Letterman show – it’ll be on tonite – when they pan the audience, we’re on the extreme right, about 4 or 5 rows back – cool!

Have a warm weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Frank Ingrassia – Only in America
• Eddie R – Amazing
• Paul Keister – New Exercise Program
• Tom Sokolowski – Ca Na Duh
• Syman Says – From Pastor Tim
• cousin Eliane – Fondling in Bed
• Syman Says / Jim Ertner – Jest for the Pun of It
• Elyse – Perfect Girls Getaway
• Tom Sokolowski – Great Blonde Joke
• Barbara Rosenberg – Long Island

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Frank Ingrassia – Only in America
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spread the Stupidity

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


Only in America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Eddie R – Don’t Try This At Home
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is absolutely amazing to watch...a performance on the Russian Bar,
recorded for Chinese television at the Circus Festival of Monte Carlo.
The final stunt is unbelievable!
http://amazingacts.blogspot.com/2008/07/dont-try-this-at-home.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister – New Exercise Program
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I tried it, I liked it, you will too!!
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!


SCROLL DOWN ...



























































NOW SCROLL UP ...

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a glass of Your Favorite Wine or Beer

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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Ca Na Duh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CA NA DUH

Now that Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.

Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website..

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Norway )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races.
Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.


Please send this on to any Canadian (or others) who you think will enjoy it as much as I did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Syman Says – From Pastor Tim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card." she said.
"But my husband is getting a haircut here," she explained.

"Yes," she replied, "But I need something you'll come back for?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane – Fondling in Bed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Double click to enlarge)




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Syman Says / Jim Ertner – Jest for the Pun of It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** What is the purpose of reindeer?
It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

** Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
Because she mislaid them.

** What two classes is the animal kingdom divided into?
The aardvarks and the aaren'tvarks.

** What is a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and Squeak.

** What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby?
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

** What did the toy store sign say?
Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.

** What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.

** What sign did the grizzlies put up?
Support your right to bear arms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Elyse – Perfect Girls Getaway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
shopping, casinos, massages, facials..

Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot down
and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she
can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in
the bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night............ Yesterday evening I
was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his
hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?" I pulled his hands off to
find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead
me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen
candles and rose petals all over............ On the bed, he had
handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I
did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want.."

"So here I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM tom Sokolowski – Great Blonde Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first Super Bowl party. They had great seats right on the couch in front of the big screen TV.

After the Saints won, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like............... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Long Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
( I wish someone would do a similar list for New Jersey! DrB)
LONG ISLAND

You live in the shadow of the greatest city in the world, But you almost never go there.
When you're away from Long Island, you love it And when you're there, you don't.
You think if you're not from Long Island or NYC, You're not really from New York
You know the exact point at which Queens Turns into Nassau simply on intuition.
You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "The City".
You never realize you have an accent till you leave.
Everything north of the Bronx is "upstate."
At some point in your life you've gone clamming.
Either your parents or your grandparents lived in the city.
You'd pay $11.50 for a movie.
You don't live in Long Island You live ON Long Island
Your distant future might involve the state of Florida
You can correctly pronounce places like Ronkonkoma , Hauppauge, Wantagh, Mineola, Islandia, Massapequa
You know the location of 6 malls and a dozen McDonaldsAnd 36 7-11's.
You never, ever want to "change at Jamaica..."
You've tried to find the Amityville Horror house.
No, you don't want mustard on that burger!!
You can't understand why a diner would ever close.
You've had a seagull crap on your car.
You have or someone you know has fallen asleep on the LIRR And ended up in one of these three places; Babylon, Port Washington or Hicksville ..

You know White Castle is terrible for you And the food sucks but you periodically "Get the Crave"..

You want the Yankees to stay in the Bronx,But would probably go to more games if they moved to Manhattan

You think that somehow, the Jets and Giants still play in New York

You've missed that "Drunk Train", the 2:42 out of Penn And had the dreaded wait until 5:30.

You or someone you know has owned an animal That came from North Shore Animal League.

Quick! Who's your county Executive ? Don't know do you?!

You've never taken an MTA bus.

The Long Island Expressway isn't really as bad as everybody thinks.

You don't associate Fire Island with gay men.

You know which parts of the godfather were filmed on Long Island

You think Islip MacArthur airport is cute And you enjoy watching it grow up.

Billy Joel said it best, "either you date a rich girl from The North Shore, Or a cool girl from the South Shore ".

You don't really see the big deal about the Hamptons, Unless you got smashed at the Bordy Barn.
When people ask "where are you from?" You answer Long Guy Land and automatically assume everyone in the world knows that answer means New York York.
You've always liked Billy Joel and you own several of his "records."
The Belt Parkway sucks! You've been stuck in a traffic jam for more than 2 hours (without moving).

Your parents took you to All American, Nathan's or Carvel (on the way home from the beach).

Regular gas - $3.29 and you still pay it!!!

You hate paying tolls.

You don't have to go far to see your family.

You remember Grumman.

You know the color of the water at Jones Beach is not BLUE!

You were upset when all the Roy Rogers turned into Wendy's and Arby's closed for good..

You can spout off all the LIRR stops between Penn Station and Huntington.

Paying $35 for a haircut doesn't sound so crazy.

You think the people from Brooklyn are
"DA wunz dat tawk wit a accent."

You went sledding in the sumps.
You knew of Massapequa before
The Amy Fisher-Joey Buttafuoco nightmare.

You think going to Queens is a hike.
The first time you heard the term "Long Island Iced Tea", You were somewhere else and you laughed.

When you live somewhere else and are astounded To see that people actually stop at yellow lights..

When you just sort of presume that wherever you live, You'll be able to find good delis, good pizza, and good bagels.

You can name at least three bands that came from Long Island

When you walk in the city and you see two men holding hands...It becomes normal to you.

No word ends in an ER, just an AH.

You actually get these jokes And pass them on to other friends from Long Island


+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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