24 May 2013

Friday, May 24, 2013

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

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Comments & Contributors
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Hi Everyone !  Not many contributions in the last couple of weeks, but,

here are a few goodies!  Enjoy!  And send stuff!

:) DrB

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From Joel Goldstein – Getting Older

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A distraught senior citizen 

phoned her doctor's office. 

"Is it true," she wanted to know, 

"that the medication 

you prescribed has to be taken 

for the rest of my life?" 

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. 

There was a moment of silence 

before the senior lady replied, 

"I'm wondering, then, 

just how serious is my condition 

because this prescription is marked 

'NO REFILLS'.." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An older gentleman was 

on the operating table 

awaiting surgery 

and he insisted that his son, 

a renowned surgeon, 

perform the operation. 

As he was about to get the anesthesia, 

he asked to speak to his son. 

"Yes, Dad , what is it?" 

"Don't be nervous, son; 

do your best, 

and just remember, 

if it doesn't go well, 

if something happens to me, 

your mother 

is going to come and 

live with you and your wife...." 

(I LOVE IT!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Aging: 

Eventually you will reach a point 

when you stop lying about your age 

and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love 

to hear them say "you don't look that old." 

  

--------------------------------- 

The older we get, 

the fewer things 

seem worth waiting in line for. 

~~~~~

Some people

try to turn back their odometers. 

Not me! 

I want people to know why 

I look this way. 

I've traveled 

a long way 

and some of the roads weren't paved. 

  

~~~~~~~

When you are dissatisfied 

and would like to go back to youth, 

think of Algebra. 

  

------------------------------- 

One of the many things 

no one tells you about aging 

is that it is such a nice change 

from being young. 

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Ah, being young is beautiful, 

but being old is comfortable. 

~~~~~~~

First you forget names, 

then you forget faces. 

Then you forget to pull up your zipper... 

it's worse when 

you forget to pull it down. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys, one old, one young, 

are pushing their carts aroundWal-Mart 

when they collide. 

The old guy says to the young guy, 

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, 

and I guess I wasn't paying attention 

to where I was going." 

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. 

I'm looking for my wife, too... 

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." 

The old guy says, "Well, 

maybe I can help you find her... 

what does she look like?" 

The young guy says, 

"Well, she is 27 yrs. old,tall, 

with red hair, 

blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, 

long legs, 

and is wearing short shorts. 

What does your wife look like?' 

To which the old guy says,"Doesn't matter, 

--- let's look for yours." 

(ADORABLE) 

  

********************* 

(And this final one especially for me,) 

"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder 

and Your hand over my mouth!" 

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Another from Joel – The Tomato Garden

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(an oldie, but a real goodie!  DrB)

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey .

He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,

but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like

I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

I know if you were here my troubles would be over.

I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like

the old days.

Love,   Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden.

That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning,

FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up

the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

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From Alan Knight- Another Oldie

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The Original Computer!!!!

This made me laugh out loud...

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy.

You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!  

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From Annie Shum and Alan Schulman– Sometimes Data Charts Are So Mis-Used

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Have a terrific holiday weekend!

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© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!

Friday, May 3, 2013

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

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Comments & Contributors
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HI  - long time between issues!  Hope you’re still out there.  As many of you know, I’ve had a couple of serious health problems, but after many many many months, I’m feeling a lot better.  So thanks to Dr Annie, I thought I’d try to start up again with some FUNNIES to start your weekend.

As in the past, send me some great jokes … and I’ll do my best to get ‘em all out!

Take care!   DrB

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From Joanne Morris – If You’ve Got It ..

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Another reason for hand sanitizer
!

"If you've got it, flaunt it!"

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From Roberta Klibaner – Public School Teacher

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A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.'

They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

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From  shirotora.net – Married Couple

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A married couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will have been married 30 years, and there's something I have to know ~  In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "Beth, I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Beth asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I do recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 43 more votes?"

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From Joel Goldstein – How It All Began

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In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.  And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg…  Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. 

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" 

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." 

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. 

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). 

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.  They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. 

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. 

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."  And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. 

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." 

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." 

"YAHOO," said Abraham. 

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.  Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. 

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).  That is how it all began.  And that's the truth.... NO BULL!

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another From Joel - Wireless

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Have a terrific weekend!

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© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!

27 July 2012

The Friday funnies by dr Bernie

thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogsppot.com

Here we go … week of 7/27/2012

~~~~~~ Feedblitz – Fairy Tales Start & End Here

http://p.feedblitz.com/t2.asp?/147031/10269922/0/http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/card3326.jpg

~~~~~ Sokolowksi – Frank Feldman, Mr Perfect

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.   

 He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.  You're just like Frank.' 

Passenger: 'Who?' 

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman...He's a guy who did everything right all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.' 
    
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.' 

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy. 
    
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special. 

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.' 
    
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then. 

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But  Frank, he never made a mistake, and  he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.  

 He  would never answer her back even if she was in the  wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. 
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman. 
    
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet  him? 

Cabbie: 'Well...I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his freakin'  wife."

~~~~~ Sy H – Golf Joke

A Golf Joke:

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked,"Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied,

"Got here in two, didn't I?"

~~~~~ John Meeker – Finally, A Shirt for Plumbers

Where Can I Get Me One of These?

~~~~~ Gaylann K – Pregnant Jewish Girl
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys
a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!!!" Without answering, the girl picks up the
phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front
of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and
wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the
rest of her life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture
stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a
$25,000,000 bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do
you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's
shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."

~~~~~ Feedblitz – And Suddenly She Just Wasn’t There

http://p.feedblitz.com/t2.asp?/147031/10269922/0/http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/card3323.jpg

~~~~~ Sokolowski – Love This Cop

A police motorcycle officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he has a heap of demerits and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense lawyer asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

“Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do.”

........... How often can one get a lawyer to convict his own client ................

~~~~~ Sokolowski – 55 Rules for Men to Follow to Have a Happy Life

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah.  I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

~~~~~Joel G – Children Writing the Ocean

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6) 

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Jennifer, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock.. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation, my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

If you didn't chuckle at one of these, I don't know what to say...

~~~~~~~~  Have a great weekend!   Dr Bernie ~~~~~~~~~~

07 July 2012

Been too long since my last issue ... Apologies.. Have simply been degenerating.T ry these for today ... DrB http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com From Fred Silver - Magic Sandles ---------------------------------   A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring aroundthe market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed asmall sandal shop.  From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'Youforeigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'   So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'awesome special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'  Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.   The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?   The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'   Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave inand tried them on.  As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in hiseyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!' ---------------From Joel Goldstein - Spelling ------------------------------ Adult Scrabble...  Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.P N E S I    Answer    scroll down....                         People who wrote SPINE became doctors,the rest are my email friends!- ------------------------------- From shirotora.net - drinks? -------------------------------- A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.Paddy ordered a whisky.The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquortouch my lips!"Paddy handed his drink back and said"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"- --------------------------------------- From From Feedblitz - You Didn't Need that Little Finger Anyway! --------------------------/////--------------- http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/card3305.jpg~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From one liners - Great One-Liners~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A fool and his money are soon partners. - Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering. - Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety-one?" - By the time a man is old enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.- Chocolate: The other food group. - Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.- Remember: in just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. - What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? a nervous wreck. - Just as I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From Chas Young - Avancular Puns ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd nevermetherbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz! I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because shecouldn't control her pupils? Broken pencils are pointless.I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. Velcro - what a rip off! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ HAVE A SUPER WEEKEND! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ..................Dr Bernie ......................