31 Dec 2009

** Last fUNNIES of 2009 - Whoohoo! **

About as good as it gets ... Thanks to Annie Shum for shooting this one over ... just too good!

A couple of other fUNNIES just to keep you amused too ..

Best wishes for 2010 - And if you get it, there's a 3 Stooges Marathon on AMC (I think) tonite! (Thanks Dave)

..............:) Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Dr Annie - The Recap of 2009
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKYe1KiwywE

-- OR --




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Stan Kegel - Some Punnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCHOOL WORK

Define "Eyedropper": A clumsy eye doctor

Define "Reduce": The tennis game is tied again.

Use "Propane" in a sentence: My dentist doesn't believe in anesthesia. He's PROPANE.

Signs: Posted on an overpass near a wedding chapel: "Watch for rice on bridge." (Gary Hallock)

PUNS & OTHER HUMOR
Show me the place where Lenin is buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

So it was my birthday. I had a big party, and my friend made me a birthday cake. He brought it out, and it was a savory cake. It had a doughy base, with cheese and all sorts of other toppings sprinkled on top. I said, "That must have taken a lot of effort to make." He told me, "No, it was a pizza cake."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Frank Ingrassia - Challenging Geography Puzzle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DO YOU KNOW THE MIDDLE EAST???? Just click on the link below



Drag the country's name onto the map. Don't fear making an error, and once you finish the puzzle, you will be far more educated about this intense section of our world.

http://www.rethinkingschools.org/just_fun/games/mapgame.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Cousin Eliane Lederman - Tiger's Holiday Poem
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house,

Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry, Cause a bimbo's phone
number was in his Blackberry.

He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed,
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika - the world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger's wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid, then I'm gettin' paid."
She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her pre-nup made Christmas come early this year.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From SymonSays - Oscar and Stella
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oscar and Stella, an older couple were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table nearby notices old Oscar slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, while Stella sat quite unconcerned.


Believing that something was seriously wrong with Oscar the waitress finished taking the order and came over to Stella and said, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didin't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Barbara Rosenberg - Apartment Rental
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RENTED QUARTERS


A well-known businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they did.

Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied

2) that there was plenty of heat

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:


Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your present landlady!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy New Year!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From Dr Bernie,2009, All Rights Reserved worth reserving!

25 Dec 2009

25 December 2009



Hi Everyone!


Happy holidays and have a toasty weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Contributions This Week From -

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


• Stan Kegel – Twas the Night …


• Barbara Rosenberg – Harvey’s Last Christmas Party


• Chuck - Santa


• Dave Thorn – Merry Christmas

• SymanSays – Top 10 at Letterman’s Christmas Party

• Feedblitz – Who Would Suspect?


• Stan Kegel – Christmas Dinner


• Tom Sokolowski – How to Wash a Car With Only One Bucket of Water


• A Joke a Day – Packers Fan


• cousin Eliane – Thanks to You All






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


fROM Stan Kegel – Twas the Night …


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


'Twas the night before Christmas*






'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,


There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.


The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,


In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.






The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,


While visions of Java danced in their dreams.


My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,


We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).






When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,


I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.


To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,


Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!






I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,


Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.


When what to my wondering eyes should appear,


My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.






When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,


I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!


More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,


Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;






"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;


"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!


"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!


Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"






The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "RAM",


Then into my room rose a full hologram!


He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,


Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).






He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.


Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!


His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!


This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!






With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,


Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.


He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,


And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.






He defragged my hard drive, and added a "DIMM",


Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!


He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!


He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!






He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,


Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!


My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,


As he added the latest version of Netscape.






The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,


St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.


Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,


Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!






He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,


Back into the net with barely a blink.


But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,


"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!










~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Harvey’s Last Christmas Party
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ROM Chuck - Santa


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/santa/physics.asp


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


fROM Dave Thorn – Merry Christmas


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XogUSmGSd1A&feature=PlayList&p=AD91CCE33494D24A&index=0


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


fROM SymanSays – Top 10 at Letterman’s Christmas Party


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Top Ten Things Overheard At The Late Show Christmas Party:






10. This is like one long, awkward elevator conversation.


9. Interns may have one cracker and/or eating stick.


8. Tiger Woods' mistresses 4, 6 and 11 are here.


7. Doesn't McDonald's look festive.


6. Even the Salahis didn't want to crash this party.


5. Who invited The Situation?


4. The number 4 - writer hung over from Late Show Christmas Party.


3. Who invited Dave?


2. Stand back, he's opening the gift from Sarah Palin.


1. The party ends at 10:00 so noone will miss Leno.






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


fROM Feedblitz – Who Would Suspect?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


fROM Stan Kegel – Christmas Dinner


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Christmas Eve Dinner






I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parent's house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I thought my mother and by date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees.






So I was wrong. Sue me.






I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation. "I know these family things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve."






"Sounds fine to me, " Karen said.






I had only known my mother for 31 years when I told her I'd be bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice girl and she's really looking forward to meeting all of you."






"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.






And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me's. What more could I want?






I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the entire year. An Italian woman's raison d'etre. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being.






I brought her anyway.






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


fROM Tom Sokolowski – How to Wash a Car With Only One Bucket of Water


r~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


http://blip.tv/file/3015485




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


fROM A Joke a Day – Packers Fan


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


There was a Packers fan with a really lame seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.






When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"






The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


fROM cousin Eliane – Thanks to You All


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


(long but great!  DrB)






I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.






I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.






I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.






I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.






I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).






Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.






I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.






I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.






ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.






I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.






I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.






I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.






I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..






I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.






THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.






BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.






I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.






I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.






I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.






AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.






I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.






I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.






I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.






I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.






I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...






I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.






THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.






AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.






I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!






I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.






And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over


6 ft. out of the commode.






Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.






+++++++++++++++++++++++++


Hope everybody has a great weekend!


tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at


fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com






Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!






Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!






Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dr. Bernie Domanski


Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

11 Dec 2009

11 December 2009



Hi Everyone!


Its too cold outside! Hopefully, the laughs you get from these will warm you up a little!  Some very very cool little jokes here ... welcome to the not-usual contributors!

Have a toasty weekend!


             :-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Chuck, Dave, Joanne, and a host of others! – Best Christmas Decoration ..
• Stan Kegel – You Know You’re Getting Old When …
• Dennis B-Reynaud – The English Penny
• Bob Levy – Perks for Age 55 and Over
• StevenI – Ever Wonder How Many Calories You Can Burn?
• Gary Javitch – Signage
• Marty Brake – Tiger
• Eric Stewart – The World According to Americans
• Paul Keister – Dog 4 Sale
• Shelly Domanski – Coke in Israel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chuck, Dave, Joanne and a host of others! – Best Christmas Decoration ..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Double-click to enlarge]

Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after two days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn’t realize that it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of the many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn’t take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – You Know You’re Getting Old When …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you're getting old when...


• Everything hurts; and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
• Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
• Your children begin to look middle aged.
• You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
• Your mind makes contracts that your body can't meet.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 years ago today."
• You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
• You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.
• You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 106 around the golf course.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• A fortune teller offers to read your face.
• Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.
• The little old gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
• You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dennis B-Reynaud – The English Penny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009 .


From this date, the correct terminology will be:


'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Bob Levy – Perks for Age 55 and Over
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh....It's all true! Perks of reaching 55 and over... and heading towards 70+!


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere...
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4:30 PM.
9. You can live without sex, but not your glasses.
10 You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

ONE MORE THING: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM StevenI – Ever Wonder How Many Calories You Can Burn?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Double-Click on the image to enlarge

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Gary Javitch - Signage
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                        [postcard]


Hi, everyone --


We've learned a lot about New Zealand in the past few days, but one thing stands out:


Every town and village is signposted for three places: the school, the rest home, and the crematorium.


This information is useful depending upon whether you're dropping off your children, your parents, or your loved one.


Gerry & Laurie


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Marty Brake – Tiger
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa always stops after 3 Ho's


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Eric Stewart – The World According to Americans
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Double-click to enlarge

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister – Dog 4 Sale
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'


The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'


'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Shelly Domanski – Coke in Israel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Israel. A friend asked,"Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?"


The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch.But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Hebrew. So I planned to convey the message through three posters:


First poster : A man lying in the hot desert sand ... totally exhausted and fainting. Second poster : The man is drinking Coca-Cola. Third poster : Our man is now totally refreshed. And then these posters were pasted all over the place."


"Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend.


The hell it should have!" said the salesman. "No one told me they read from right to left!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at

fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

4 Dec 2009

5 December 2009


Hi Everyone!

Some photos at the end, some great groaners at the beginning, and some very creative insanity in the middle. Enjoy!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

• Stan Kegel – GROANERS

• Neil Stenlake – Food

• Tom Sokolowski – Tiger Jokes

• Dennis via Barry - How to offer respect,,,,and mean it,,,

• Joanne Tenaglio – Why Women Shouldn’t Take Men Shopping

• Paul Keister – Insults Before 4-Letter Words

• feedblitz – Yes, Even Bears

• Sokolowski – This Can’t End Well

• Elyse – Are You Shopping at the Wrong Bookstore

• cousin Eliane & from Dave Thorn – Woods Family Portrait



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - GROANERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe (Richard Lederer).


People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called?

Christmas cards (Richard Lederer)


At Christmas we always exchange presents. I exchange the one she gives me, she exchanges the one I give her.


At Christmas time every girl wants her past forgotten and her present remembered.


The poem, "The Night Before Christmas" relates a single event on Santa's famous trip. What famous American novel chronicles the whole ride?

"The Deer Sleigher" (Stan Kegel)


Why did the teacher throw homework into the ocean?

She wanted to test the water


When the Post Office delivers only some of your packages, the service they have just provided is?

Partial post (Cynthia MacGregor)"


Why did the waiter fall over?

He was tipped.


What do monsters turn on when it is hot?

A scare conditioner


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stnlake - Food
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

'Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again... 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind getting off me . I'm starving!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Tiger Jokes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joke 1: Did you hear that Tiger hit a fire hydrant and a tree...he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Joke 2: They asked Tiger's wife what she was doing out of the house at 2 in the morning and she said she was out clubbing.

Joke 3: What's the difference between a Cadillac Escalade and a Titleist golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball over 350 yards.

Joke 4: Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

Joke 5: Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

Joke 6: This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards.

Joke 7: Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

Joke 8: After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree.

Joke 9: Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

Joke 10: Tiger drives his Escalade, hits a tree, hits a fire hydrant, goes airborne and lands on a stranger's front lawn. So "Is Tigers' Caddie on the green in two? "

Joke 11: I'm not surprised to hear about Tiger's crash - he hasn't been able to drive straight for years

Joke 12: Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. Said the clubs are to be named Elin Woods... and marketed as "clubs you can beat Tiger with."

Joke 13: Claims that Elin Woods was using a golf club as a "Rescue Club" now have been proved to be untrue as it now appears she was actually trying to knock the shit out of the Driver.

Joke 14: News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash. They are calling it, "Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger."

Joke 15: Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name?: Cheetah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dennis via Barry - How to offer respect,,,,and mean it,,,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after

dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer you my deepest condolences!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Joanne Tenaglio – Why Women Shouldn’t Take Men Shopping
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her

Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them

in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,

'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position

and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but certainly not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,

'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, your property taxes will go up, your stocks will go down, and your middle will spread. (How's that for a curse?!?) What? It's already come true? Then send it anyway--you've got nothin' to lose!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister – Insults Before 4-Letter Words
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, and I know you will enjoy them..



"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr



"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill



"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow



"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).



'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)



"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas



"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain



"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde



"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM feedblitz – Yes, Even Bears
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Sokolowski – This Can’t End Well
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I suppose this gives new meaning to the expression "Shit happens!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Elyse – Are You Shopping at the Wrong Bookstore
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane & from Dave Thorn – Woods Family Portrait
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at

fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com



Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!



Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!



Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.