25 December 2009
Hi Everyone!
Happy holidays and have a toasty weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
Contributions This Week From -
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• Stan Kegel – Twas the Night …
• Barbara Rosenberg – Harvey’s Last Christmas Party
• Chuck - Santa
• Dave Thorn – Merry Christmas
• SymanSays – Top 10 at Letterman’s Christmas Party
• Feedblitz – Who Would Suspect?
• Stan Kegel – Christmas Dinner
• Tom Sokolowski – How to Wash a Car With Only One Bucket of Water
• A Joke a Day – Packers Fan
• cousin Eliane – Thanks to You All
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fROM Stan Kegel – Twas the Night …
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'Twas the night before Christmas*
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "RAM",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a "DIMM",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Harvey’s Last Christmas Party
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ROM Chuck - Santa
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http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/santa/physics.asp
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fROM Dave Thorn – Merry Christmas
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XogUSmGSd1A&feature=PlayList&p=AD91CCE33494D24A&index=0
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fROM SymanSays – Top 10 at Letterman’s Christmas Party
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Top Ten Things Overheard At The Late Show Christmas Party:
10. This is like one long, awkward elevator conversation.
9. Interns may have one cracker and/or eating stick.
8. Tiger Woods' mistresses 4, 6 and 11 are here.
7. Doesn't McDonald's look festive.
6. Even the Salahis didn't want to crash this party.
5. Who invited The Situation?
4. The number 4 - writer hung over from Late Show Christmas Party.
3. Who invited Dave?
2. Stand back, he's opening the gift from Sarah Palin.
1. The party ends at 10:00 so noone will miss Leno.
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fROM Feedblitz – Who Would Suspect?
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fROM Stan Kegel – Christmas Dinner
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Christmas Eve Dinner
I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parent's house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I thought my mother and by date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees.
So I was wrong. Sue me.
I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation. "I know these family things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve."
"Sounds fine to me, " Karen said.
I had only known my mother for 31 years when I told her I'd be bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice girl and she's really looking forward to meeting all of you."
"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.
And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me's. What more could I want?
I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the entire year. An Italian woman's raison d'etre. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being.
I brought her anyway.
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – How to Wash a Car With Only One Bucket of Water
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http://blip.tv/file/3015485
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fROM A Joke a Day – Packers Fan
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There was a Packers fan with a really lame seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
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fROM cousin Eliane – Thanks to You All
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(long but great! DrB)
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over
6 ft. out of the commode.
Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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