Hi Everyone!
Its too cold outside! Hopefully, the laughs you get from these will warm you up a little! Some very very cool little jokes here ... welcome to the not-usual contributors!
Have a toasty weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Chuck, Dave, Joanne, and a host of others! – Best Christmas Decoration ..
• Stan Kegel – You Know You’re Getting Old When …
• Dennis B-Reynaud – The English Penny
• Bob Levy – Perks for Age 55 and Over
• StevenI – Ever Wonder How Many Calories You Can Burn?
• Gary Javitch – Signage
• Marty Brake – Tiger
• Eric Stewart – The World According to Americans
• Paul Keister – Dog 4 Sale
• Shelly Domanski – Coke in Israel
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fROM Chuck, Dave, Joanne and a host of others! – Best Christmas Decoration ..
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[Double-click to enlarge]
Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after two days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn’t realize that it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of the many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn’t take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.
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fROM Stan Kegel – You Know You’re Getting Old When …
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You know you're getting old when...
• Everything hurts; and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
• Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
• Your children begin to look middle aged.
• You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
• Your mind makes contracts that your body can't meet.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 years ago today."
• You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
• You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.
• You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 106 around the golf course.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• A fortune teller offers to read your face.
• Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.
• The little old gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
• You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
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fROM Dennis B-Reynaud – The English Penny
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EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009 .
From this date, the correct terminology will be:
'Euronating'.
Thank you for your attention.
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fROM Bob Levy – Perks for Age 55 and Over
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Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh....It's all true! Perks of reaching 55 and over... and heading towards 70+!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere...
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4:30 PM.
9. You can live without sex, but not your glasses.
10 You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
ONE MORE THING: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!
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fROM StevenI – Ever Wonder How Many Calories You Can Burn?
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Double-Click on the image to enlarge
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fROM Gary Javitch - Signage
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[postcard]
Hi, everyone --
We've learned a lot about New Zealand in the past few days, but one thing stands out:
Every town and village is signposted for three places: the school, the rest home, and the crematorium.
This information is useful depending upon whether you're dropping off your children, your parents, or your loved one.
Gerry & Laurie
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fROM Marty Brake – Tiger
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What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa always stops after 3 Ho's
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fROM Eric Stewart – The World According to Americans
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Double-click to enlarge
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fROM Paul Keister – Dog 4 Sale
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The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
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fROM Shelly Domanski – Coke in Israel
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A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Israel. A friend asked,"Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch.But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Hebrew. So I planned to convey the message through three posters:
First poster : A man lying in the hot desert sand ... totally exhausted and fainting. Second poster : The man is drinking Coca-Cola. Third poster : Our man is now totally refreshed. And then these posters were pasted all over the place."
"Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend.
The hell it should have!" said the salesman. "No one told me they read from right to left!"
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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