Hi Everyone!
Have a super weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From
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• cousin Eliane Lederman – The Accident
• SymanSays – More Actual Accident Reports
• cousin Gaylannnie – New Alphabet
• Rusty – Kids are Quick
• Barbara Rosenberg – The Pope Was Too Pooped …
• Tom Sokolowski – Irish Sausage
• Tom Sokolowski – The Shoebox
• Feedblitz – Mental Pictures
• Stan Kegel – Jay Leno Quotes
• Aunt Marilyn - Trayfe
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fROM cousin Eliane Lederman – The Accident
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A Jewish man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap.
It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,” You must decide how many inches you want.
But this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
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fROM SymanSays – More Actual Accident Reports
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More Actual Accident Reports: -From Lehigh Valley Family-
- "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
- I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and their was a crash.
- The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
- "The accident happened when the right car door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
- "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
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fROM cousin Gaylannnie – New Alphabet
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A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
The Alphabet - Now
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
Perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which we'd rather not mention..
H High blood pressure--We'd rather it low;
I For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory; we forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions. We have quite a few,
Just give us a pill and we'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting our fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in our ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year we are left here behind,
Z is for zest WE still have -- in OUR minds.
We've survived all the symptoms, our body's deployed, and
We're keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed.
IF YOU ARE OLD, HAVE A GREAT DAY.
IF NOT, YOUR TURN WILL COME!
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fROM Rusty – Kids are Quick
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__(THIS ONE IS REALLY FUNNY)________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_______(LOL)___________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father dn't
punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's still the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – The Pope Was Too Pooped …
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About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Irish Sausage
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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the
staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – The Shoebox
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THE SHOEBOX
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years...
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little Old woman
had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had Cautioned her husband
never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said She would not
recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed
that it was time that he should know what was In the box. When he opened
it, he found two crocheted dolls And a stack of money totaling $95,000. He
asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me
The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that If I
ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only
two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of
this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
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fROM Feedblitz – Mental Pictures
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http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/card2354.jpg
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fROM Stan Kegel – Jay Leno Quotes
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"I'm sure you know. NBC announced they're pulling the plug on our show February 12th. Here's the amazing part. That is the exact date the Mayan calendar predicted we would go off the air."
"I gotta tell you, you know, the folks here at NBC, they don't handle these things well. They don't have a lot of tact. Like, after they cancelled the show, they told me if I put on ten pounds I could get on 'Biggest Loser."
"NBC said the show performed exactly as they expected it would and then canceled us. Don't confuse this when we were on at late night and performed better than expected and they canceled us. That was totally different."
"Supposedly we're moving to 11:30. Even this is not for sure. My people are upset. Conan's people are upset. Hey, NBC said it wanted drama at 10:00 -- now they've got it! Everyone's mad."
"I take pride in one thing. I leave NBC prime time the same way I found it -- a complete disaster."
"Kev, if we did get canceled, it will give us time to maybe do some traveling. In fact, I understand Fox is beautiful this time of year."
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fROM Aunt Marilyn - Trayfe
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A rabbi was walking down the street when he noticed one of his congregants on the other side of the street entering a Chinese restaurant. The rabbi crossed the street to peer in the window of the restaurant to see what his congregant was doing in the trayf (non-kosher) restaurant.
The congregant ordered some spare ribs and some fried shrimp. The rabbi continued to watch.
Soon, the waiter brought the spare ribs and shrimp. The congregant was eagerly devouring it with a hearty appetite when the shocked rabbi, unable to contain himself, burst into the restaurant to confront his congregant.
"Stop!" the rabbi shouted. "How could you do this? How could you eat this food? It's ribs and shrimp. It's trayf!"
"Hold on," said the congregant. "Rabbi, did you see me walk into this restaurant?"
"Yes, I did," replied the rabbi.
"Did you see me sit down at this table?"
"Yes, I did," the rabbi again testified.
"Did you see me order?"
"I most certainly did," the rabbi attested.
"Did you see the waiter bring this food to my table?" the congregant asked.
"Yes, I did," the rabbi again affirmed.
"Did you actually see me eating the ribs and the shrimp?" asked the congregant.
"Yes, I did. I watched you the entire time!" exclaimed the rabbi.
"Well, then," the congregant said calmly, "what's the problem? It was all done under rabbinical supervision!"
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
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