:) Dr Bernie
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from Tom Sokolowski - Watch the 2-minute video that shows a drop of water falling into a puddle at 2000 frames a second. You will see something totally unexpected. http://www.flixxy.com/water-drop.htm ________________________________________________
from Denny Adams - An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. -- If you judge people, you have no time to love them Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole. In America the young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.
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from SymanSays - You Know You Are Living in 2010 when... -From The South Jersey Deviler- ** You accidently enter your PIN number on the microwave. ** You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. ** You have a dozen phone numbers to reach your family of three. ** You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. ** You start tilting your head sideways to smile. ** Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. ** You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. ** You're reading this and nodding and laughing
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from Dick Sziede - Who was first? A Sailor or a Marine? A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service. After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima .' Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway. 'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.' The sailor responds, 'Point taken.' The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!' The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.' The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!' The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.' __________________________________________________________
From DayMiller -
how did deniro do this without laughing
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from Maureen Zack -
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,"Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".
Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".
Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!
Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
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from Steven Imberman -
Could someone tell me - what exactly is the point of taking this picture?
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from Eddie R -
Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-
Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:- In Eastern Europe
they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world"
meant.
And finally, in the UK they just hung up because they couldn't understand
the Indian accent.
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another from dr steven - (I love lawyer jokes)
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said,
"Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did
that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were
you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats
and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie
there.
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ATTORNEY: This
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what
ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I
forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget?
Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you
actually
pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest
son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's
twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Were you present
when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:
Are you shitting me?
_______________________________________
__
ATTORNEY: So the date of
conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were
you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting
laid
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ATTORNEY:
She had three children, right?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were
boys?
WITNESS:
None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any
girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I
think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your
first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:
By death.
ATTORNEY:
And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:
Take a guess.
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_
ATTORNEY: Can you
describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about
medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a
male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the
Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this
morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how
I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how
many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS:
All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
fight.
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ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS:
Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall
the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy
started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton
was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was
by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you
qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for
last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before
you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is
possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy ?
WIT NESS :
No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be
so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was
sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but
could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
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Ok ... that's it for this week ... Hope you have a great weekend!
:) Dr Bernie
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(c) the friday funnies by dr bernie, 1996-2010.
No intentional disparagement is meant by the contents of the fRIDAY fUNNIES ever! No violation of copyright intended. No intentional insults are ever meant. The Friday Funnies by Dr Bernie is written only or the amusement of it's FREE readership. Hope you have a great weekend!
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