8 January 2010

Hi Everyone!

What can I say – Happy New Year! Hope it’s not too cold where you are _it sure is cold in New Joyzee !) All the best!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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• Dr StevenI – the Cat in the Hat
• Barbara Rosenberg – Welcome to TPA Airlines
• the ImberBabe – Condemned for Xmas
• StevenI – Try Again
• Shannel St. Hilaire – Wife vs Husband
• Tom Sokolowski – The IRS and Grandpa
• Barbara Rosenberg – Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth
• Stan Kegel - The Official Dewey, Cheetham, & Howe Staff List
• Indexed – Nine More Minutes
• cousin Eliane Lederman – When You Have an ‘I hate my job’ day

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fROM Dr StevenI – the Cat in the Hat
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Welcome to TPA Airlines
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WELCOME TO TPA
(Terrorist-Proof Airlines)

We at TPA, Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business!

We can absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons will ever be carried onto OUR FLIGHTS !

Book your next flight with TPA, the safest airline in the industry.





AND, If a Muslim sees a naked woman he is obliged to commit suicide!

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fROM the ImberBabe – Condemned for Xmas
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3z8awXlm_8

Or



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fROM StevenI – Try Again
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Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What is your name?" – asked the teacher.

"Mohammed". ... – answered the kid.

"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," –replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" – asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed. I’m in America and now my name is Johnny."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" – and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he too beat him.

The next day Mohammed returned to school.

When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

"Well ma'am, 20 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two freakin’ Arabs."

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fROM Shannel St. Hilaire – Wife vs Husband
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WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.' The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ ..'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests..

Main point

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

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fROM Tom Sokolowski – The IRS and Grandpa
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth
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'WINTER'

a poem by

Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre



SHIT, It's Cold!

The End.

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fROM Stan Kegel - The Official Dewey, Cheetham, & Howe Staff List
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More The Official Dewey, Cheetham, and Howe Staff List -From Stan Kegel-


Swedish Attorney: Bjorn Liar
Repair Cost Consultant: Bill M. Moore
Nutrician Consultants: Eaton Wright and Liven Good
Head of Building and grounds: Moe D'Lawn
Fact Checks: Elle Fynoe
Director of Staff Pay Increases: Xavier Breath
Car Talk Bouncer; Euripedes Ibrekayourface
Behavior Consultant: Wyatt B. Hoovesia

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fROM Indexed – Nine More Minutes
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fROM cousin Eliane Lederman – When You Have an ‘I hate my job’ day
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When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

......Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart..Then you are just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for Johnson &Johnson!!!!!


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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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