the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
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Comments & Contributors
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· Clark Kidd – Tractor Dance
· Dave Thorn – Why Men Are Never Depressed
· Joanne Tenaglio – Texas Beer Joint Sues Church
· cousin Gaylannie – He Must Pay!
· Irving – Goldfish
· Tom Sokolowski – Italian Virginity Test Kit
· Denny Adams – The Salesman
· Barbara Rosenberg – Which Service
· Denny Adams – Very Good & Mostly True …
· SymanSays – Tail Light Out
· Feedblitz – It’s a Very Difficult Sport
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From Clark Kidd – Tractor Dance (groan alert)
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Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson tractor.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right wheel, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his suspenders fall down from his
shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea-stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right wheel, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his suspenders fall down from his
shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea-stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy
'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin tar out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin tar out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
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From Dave Thorn – Why Men Are Never Depressed
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Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You
can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the
truth. The world is your urinal... You never have to drive to another
gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have
to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work,
more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux
rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all
the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open
all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face
stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes
-- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your
legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have
freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You
can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the
truth. The world is your urinal... You never have to drive to another
gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have
to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work,
more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux
rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all
the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open
all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face
stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes
-- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your
legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have
freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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From Joanne Tenaglio – Texas Beer Joint Sues Church
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Texas Beer Joint Sues Church
In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.
In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer”, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means".
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."
True Story.
In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.
In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer”, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means".
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."
True Story.
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From cousin Gaylannie – He Must Pay!
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Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
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From Irving - Goldfish
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From Tom Sokolowski – Italian Virginity Test Kit
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Guido is planning to marry, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
Guido is planning to marry, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor, Dr. Vinnie Vito Maccaroni says, "Yo Guido,, all Italians
use tree tings for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit....
a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Guido asks, "Yeah, and whata I do with dees tings, doc?"
The doc replies,"Before ya climb in bed on your weddin night, you painta one of your balls red and the utter ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the freakin shovel.'
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From Denny Adams – The Salesman
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A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Missouri.” Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says “one”.
The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid says “$101,237.65″.
The boss says “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?”
The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”
The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’”
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From Barbara Rosenberg – Which Service
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On the morning of Rosh Hashanah as the congregation was filing into the Synagogue, Rabbi Liebenberg noticed little Max standing in the foyer of the synagogue staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Boruch a Tov, Max. 'Boruch a Tov, Rabbi Liebenberg,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. ' Rabbi Liebenberg, what is this?' he said, pointing to the plaque.
The good Rabbi tenderly put his arm around Max's shoulder and said, ' Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Max, in a voice barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?'
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From Denny Adams – Very Good & Mostly True …
From Denny Adams – Very Good & Mostly True …
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Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the
Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
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From SymanSays – Tail Light Out
From SymanSays – Tail Light Out
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Tail Light Out: -From bigguyhereagain-
Tail Light Out: -From bigguyhereagain-
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
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From Feedblitz – It’s a Very Difficult Sport
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Have a terrific weekend!
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