the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com/
What a week! It was back to school for me … just typing it gets me tired … not seeing eye-to-eye with the ‘boss’ … it makes me yearn for summer vacation already!
Hope you get a chuckle from these …. And thanks to everyone for their contributions!
: ) Dr Bernie
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Comments & Contributors
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• SyH – Once a Pennsylvanian
• FeedBlitz – Why Spies Are Sexy
• Denny Adams – The Hack
• Chas Young – My First Time
• Woody Allen – The Moose
• Lonny Rosenberg – New Start-Up Business
• Fred Silver – True Friendship
• StevenI – Suddenly …
• Frank Ingrassia – Fun Manners Quiz
• Denny Adams - Elvis
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From SyH – Once a Pennsylvanian
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Once a Pennsylvanian Always a Pensylvanian: -From Bob-
** You have never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly" and New Jersey has always been "Jersey."
** You refer to Pennsylvaia as "PA". How many other states do that?
** You know how to respond to the question "Dijaeetyet?"
** You learned how to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes Barre, Schuylkill, the Poconos, Tamaqua, Tunkhannock, Bala Cynwyd, Duqueesne, and Monongahela because in school you had to.
** You know what a mummer is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least the highlights of the parade.
** You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" is and what it means if he sees his shadow.
** The first day of buck season is a school holiday.
** You own only 4 condiments: salt, pepper, mustard and ketchup.
** Customers ask the waitress for "dippy eggs" for breakfast.
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From FeedBlitz – Why Spies Are Sexy
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http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/card2661.jpg
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From Denny Adams – The Hack
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Abdul came to New York City, and, as so many immigrants do, he became a
taxi driver. But he was determined to be no ordinary taxi driver… at the
end of a 15-hour workday, he went home to city street maps and tour guides,
and studied and studied.
Within a fairly short time he knew every back street; every alley; which
one-way streets went one way and which, the other. And soon, because he was
so efficient at transporting customers from one end of the island to the
other, he was making double, and triple, what the other cabbies were
bringing home.
Well, New York being what it is, he determined that it would take forever
to build an “empire” in the city — what with the costs of insurance, and
garaging, and taxes — so he’d relocate to a smaller city, perhaps
Pittsburgh, or St. Louis, but apply all the principles he’d learned in New York.
So Abdul moved, taking his single cab with him. And assiduously studied
his new maps. And, sure enough, within six months he’d saved enough to
purchase a second cab and hire a driver — and before this driver was
permitted to foray into the city streets he had to pass a test
demonstrating his equally-deep knowledge of the city thoroughfares.
Time passed, and by five years later, Abdul had a whole fleet of taxis,
and fifty or more employees. His empire had grown such that he no longer
needed to drive, himself, but he sat in a luxurious office and devised
continuing improvements to his service.
One afternoon a reporter from the city newspaper came by to interview
Abdul — how he came to be there, and how an immigrant had become so successful.
Abdul explained that the secret of his success was hard work and absolute
attention to detail, but primarily hard work. He was still putting in
sixteen-hour days, six or seven days a week. “But,” continued the reporter,
“if you’re working so hard, when do you get a chance to enjoy the fruits of
your labors? What’s in it for you? What kind of life do you live?”
And Abdul got up from his mahogany desk, and walked over to the window,
drew aside the velvet drape for a glorious unobstructed panorama of the
city. He motioned the reporter over alongside him and swept his arm across
the vista of the taxi parking lot behind the building.
“There, my friend, is your answer. Life is a cab array.”
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From Chas Young – My First Time
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MY FIRST TIME----
It was my first time ever
And I'll
Never forget
I'd do it
Again
Without a
Single regret.
The sky was
Dark
The moon
Was high
We were all
Alone
Just she
And I.
Her hair
Was soft
Her eyes
Were blue
I knew just
What
She wanted
To do.
Her skin so
Soft
Her legs so
Fine
I ran my
Fingers
Down her
Spine.
I didn't
Know how
But I tried
My best
I started
By placing
My hands on
Her breast.
I remember
My fear
My fast
Beating heart
But slowly
She spread
Her legs
Apart.
And when I
Did it
I felt no shame
All at
Once
The white
Stuff came.
At last
it's finished
It's all
Over now
My first
Time ever
At milking
A cow...
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From Woody Allen – The Moose
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A video gem for 1965 … he was truly brilliant!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmnLRVWgnXU&NR=1
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From Lonny Rosenberg – New Start-Up Business
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A friend of mine just started his own business,
making land-mines that look like prayer mats.
"It's doing well," he says. "Prophets are going through the roof."
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From Fred Silver – True Friendship
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Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship…
You will see no cute little smiley faces on this -- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.
9. This is my oath ... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask - because you are my friend.
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends (including the one who sent it to you).
Then get depressed because you can only think of 4.
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From StevenI – Suddenly …
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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly,
Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do..”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old man
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”
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From Frank Ingrassia – Fun Manners Quiz
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International dining etiquette … fun … I’m a hopeless slob!
http://www.fekids.com/img/kln/flash/DontGrossOutTheWorld.swf
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From Denny Adams - Elvis
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My mother gave my sister and me ten dollars to buy lunch for ourselves at the diner down the street. On our way there we passed a man selling puppies. I asked, “How much for a puppy?”
“Ten dollars,” he answered.
Unable to resist, I coaxed my sister into giving up her lunch money and bought a puppy. I named it Elvis, and we went home.
My sister, of course, went immediately to Mom.
Mom said, “Back so soon?”
“I’m afraid we never made it to the diner.”
“Why not?”
“Because we spent ten dollars on Elvis.”
“Elvis?”
“That’s right. We ate nothin’, bought a hound dog.”
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