20 August 2010

Friday, August 20, 2010



the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com



A quirky week has passed … tired … energetic … sleepy … wide-awake … achy … healthy … has the moon gone down for good? Hope not! Stay GREAT!  dr Bernie



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Comments & Contributors
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• Denny Adams – Lunch


• SymanSays – Flat Tires


• cousin Eliane L – The Truth About Being Jewish


• Tom Sokolowski – Giving Up Wine


• Aunt Marilyn – Virus Alert


• Denny Adams – New Purchase


• Tom Vickery via Denny Adams


• Paul Keister – What Do You Call???


• Harvey & Marlene Sultan – Streets of Brooklyn


• Fred Silver – At a Bar …

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From Denny Adams – Lunch
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My mother gave my sister and me ten dollars to buy lunch for ourselves at the diner down the street. On our way there we passed a man selling puppies. I asked, “How much for a puppy?”


“Ten dollars,” he answered.


Unable to resist, I coaxed my sister into giving up her lunch money and bought a puppy. I named it Elvis, and we went home.


My sister, of course, went immediately to Mom.


Mom said, “Back so soon?”


“I’m afraid we never made it to the diner.”


“Why not?”


“Because we spent ten dollars on Elvis.”


“Elvis?”


“That’s right. We ate nothin’, bought a hound dog.”


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From SymanSays – Flat Tires
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Before taking his family out for the day, a man pulled into a gas station to put some air in his car tires, because he had noticed they were a bit flat.






"How much is that?" he asked the cashier?"






"Ten dollars."






"Ten dollars! That's expensive! It's only air!"






The cashier said, "Well, that's inflation for you."






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From cousin Eliane L – The Truth About Being Jewish
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As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.






Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't.






Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking. Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.






The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:


Rosh Hashanah ------- Feast


Tzom Gedalia ----------- Fast


Yom Kippur -------------- More fasting


Sukkot -------------------- Feast for a week +


Hashanah Rabbah ---- More feasting


Simchat Torah --------- Keep right on feasting


Month of Heshvan ----- No feasts or fasts for a whole month.


Get a grip on yourself please.


Hanukkah ---------------- Eat potato pancakes


Tenth of Tevet --------- Do not eat potato pancakes


Tu B'Shevat ------------Feast


Fast of Esther----------Fast


Purim --Eat pastry


Passover ---------------- Do not eat pastry for a week


Shavuot ------------------ Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)


17th of Tammuz --- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)


Tish B'Av ----------------- Serious fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)


Month of Elul ------------ End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.






There are many forms of Judaism:


Cardiac Judaism ---------- in my heart I am a Jew.


Gastronomic Judaism --- we eat Jewish foods.


Pocketbook Judaism ----- I give to Jewish causes.


Drop-off Judaism -drop the kids at Sunday School; go out to eat breakfast.


Twice a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.






You know you grew up Jewish when:






You did not respond to the teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you thought your name was "Princess".






You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.






You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket."






Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.






Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.






You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates & forks trying to get to a deli tray.






You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and - kasha with bowties.






You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.






You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven.






You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 6 standard suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum).






You grew up and were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.






You can look at gefilte fish without turning green.






You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox.






You can understand some Yiddish but you can't speak it.






You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. “Is that Kenahurra or is that kaninehurra?.”






You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.






You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you were in there for longer than 3 minutes.






You have at least six male relatives named Michael or David.






Your grandparent's furniture smelled like moth balls, was covered in plastic and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.






Baruch HaShem and God willing, may you have a day full of mazel and shalom!






Hope you enjoy the humor in this, as I did.


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From Tom Sokolowski – Giving Up Wine
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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.






I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'






'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me..






'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.






'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'






'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.






'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'






'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'






The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'






I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'






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From Aunt Marilyn – Virus Alert
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I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.


It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.






Symptoms:






1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!






2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !that too!






3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!






4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!






5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!






6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no - not again!






7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!






8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!


IT IS CALLED THE


"C-NILE VIRUS."










Hmmm.....






Have I sent this to you already ?






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From Denny Adams – New Purchase
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A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sporty car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.


“Look,” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”


He did. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.






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From Tom Vickery via Denny Adams
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Here is a possible solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you .






It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling, and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.


Case Closed!


This is so simple that it is brilliant. I can see it now: you are in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.


Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system, “Attention standby passengers… we now have a seat available on flight number…”






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From Paul Keister – What Do You Call???
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What would you call a nun who tends to wonder around?


























































A Roman Catholic!






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From Harvey & Marlene Sultan – Streets of Brooklyn
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If you’re from Brooklyn, you MUST watch!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-JxSnsk7Ok






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From Fred Silver – At a Bar …
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Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,


"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"


Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"










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