Friday, August 6, 2010
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
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Comments & Contributors
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· Chas Young – Can I Use the Car?
· Denny Adams – the Hunters
· Eddie – Chelsea Leaving the Nest
· Paul Keister – Vasectomy
· ladyHawke via SymanSays – Reasons to Ask For a Raise
· Tom Sokolowki – Today’s Quote
· Aunt Marilyn – Potentially and Realistically
· jokefiles2 via SyH – Funny Sayings on Kitchen Plaques
· the ImberBabe – Gennaro’s Shoes
· SNL via Tom Sokolowski – Cork Soaking
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From Chas Young – Can I Use the Car?
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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
Your going to love the Dad's reply:
His father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?
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From Denny Adams – the Hunters
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Three rednecks, Walt, Elmer and Stan, went hunting in a remote forest. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, “We got to get Elmer to the hospital quick or he’s gonna die.”
“How are we gonna carry him?” Stan asked. “Why he weighs a good two hundred fifty pounds.”
“Hell Stan! That ain’t nothing,” assured Walt. “We carry bucks out bigger than that, all the time. We can do it the same way.”
Walt was right. In no time, they were pulling their 4×4 up to the emergency room door and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, “Your friend didn’t make it.”
Walt said, “Yeah, I thought that gunshot hit him in the heart.”
“No,” said the doctor. “The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he might have been able to survive that.”
“Damn it Stan, I told you we shouldn’t have tied him to the hood. All them tree branches smacking into him for the first five miles probably beat him to death!”
“No,” said the doctor. “His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to survive that, too.”
“See, Walt! I kept telling you to hold your end up higher ’cause that sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hitting the rocks and logs. And I’m sure he drowned when we crossed that crick.”
“Damn it Stan! You was the one that dropped your end of the pole when you fell off that rock. Poor old Elmer must have been under water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole and falling all over yourself.”
“Now fellas,” said the doctor. “Elmer’s skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries. But he didn’t drown and he might have been able to survive that, too.”
Stan and Walt looked at each other with puzzled expressions and then asked the doctor, “Then what was it?”
The doctor thought for a few moments and said, “My guess is that the way you gutted him had a lot to do with it.”
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From Eddie – Chelsea Leaving the Nest
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With Chelsea's wedding on the July 31st...
Hillary wanted to play the perfect Mom.
She asked Chelsea... "have you had sex with Marc?"
Chelsea said... "Not according to Dad".
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From Paul Keister - Vasectomy
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A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure the nurse
comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way
with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and
asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if
the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasec is
easier for the surgeon to locate and sever.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are
going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room jerking-off.
Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there?"
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue
Cross and they have Obama Care."
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From ladyHawke via SymanSays – Reasons to Ask For a Raise
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Reasons to Ask for a Raise: -Ladyhawke@unforgettable.com-
o You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
o The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
o Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift Stores.
o You empty your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
o All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
o You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case- Return to Sender."
o You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
o You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill in your billfold and it goes onto shock.
o You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
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From Tom Sokolowki – Today’s Quote
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"Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." — David Lee Roth
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From Aunt Marilyn – Potentially and Realistically
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
‘Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a gay man.'
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From jokefiles2 via SyH – Funny Sayings on Kitchen Plaques
From jokefiles2 via SyH – Funny Sayings on Kitchen Plaques
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Funny Sayings on Kitchen Plaques: -From jokefiles2@lycos.com-
** So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
** I'm creative, you can't expect me to be neat too!
** I clean house every other day,... Today is the "other day"!
** Kitchen closed -- this chick has had it.
** If you write it in the dust, don't date it!
** Martha Stewart doesn't live here!
** My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
** If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards!
** I came, I saw, I decided to order take out!
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From the ImberBabe – Gennaro’s Shoes
From the ImberBabe – Gennaro’s Shoes
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Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months .
Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months .
He walks to work 20 blocks every day
And passes a shoe store .
Each day he stops and looks in the window
To admire the Boccelli leather shoes .
He wants those shoes so much . . .
it's all he can think about .
After about 2 months he saves the price
Of the shoes, $300, and purchases them .
Every Friday night the Italian community
Holds a dance in the church basement .
Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear
His new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time .
He asks Sophia to dance and
As they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight,
But how do you know?'
Gennaro answers,
'I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes .
How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance,
And after a few minutes he asks,
' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do,
But how do you know that?'
He replies,
'I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes .
How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over
And the last song is being played,
Gennaro asks Carmela to dance .
Midway through the dance his face
Turns red .
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,
Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight . '
Gennaro gasps,
'Thanka God . . . .
I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Boccelli leather shoes!'
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From SNL via Tom Sokolowski – Cork Soaking
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A little long, but terrific …
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