the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
Away all week, work tracked me down daily anyway – sigh. But great weather, my doggie Nathan and superwife Shelly made it a great week. A word to the wise: allergies suck!
Hope you have a great weekend! Dr Bernie
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Comments & Contributors
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- SymanSays – out of gas
- Elyse Klein – Weather Warning
- Aunt Marilyn - How to be a Successful Jewish Father
- Eddie – fractured zen teachings
- Tom Sokolowski – Italian Wedding
- Feedblitz – Is Anything Happening?
- SyH – Get Undressed
- Tom Sokolowski – Cant Send This to Just Anybody
- Sokolowski – You’ll Love This Photo
- Gerry Rusthoven – So Good!
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From SymanSays – out of gas
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After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car would'nt start because it was out of gas.
A passer by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.
The attendent there filled my two gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door , it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank.
Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "Instead of welking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here.
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From Elyse Klein – Weather Warning
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When you walk out the door in the morning and see this in the sky.......
....just go back inside, have another cup of coffee, and stay home. It's NOT going to be a good day.
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From Aunt Marilyn - How to be a Successful Jewish Father
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Morris (the father) says to his son: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
His son immediately replies: "I will choose my own bride, father."
Morris sighs: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."
The son thinks about this only for a split second –then answers:
"Well, in that case, yes! OK Dad."
Morris then approaches Bill Gates and says: "I have a husband for
your lovely daughter."
Bill Gates quickly answers: "No chance! My daughter is too young
to get married!"
Morris says: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World
Bank."
Bill Gates thinks for a while then answers: "Ah well, in that
case, yes, that’ll be OK with me."
Finally Morris goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Morris smiles and says: "I have a young man to recommend as a
vice-president."
The president hurriedly answers: "Not interested, I already have
more vice-presidents than I need."
Morris continues smiling: "But . . . this young man is Bill
Gates' son-in-law."
A few seconds pass then the World Bank President answers: "Ah
that’s interesting, Hmmm .... in that case, well yes, he can
start tomorrow."
. .. . .And that is how successful Jews do business.
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From Eddie – fractured zen teachings
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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the hell alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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From Tom Sokolowski – Italian Wedding
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Source – windows media file
http://blip.tv/file/get/Drbernie-ItalianWedding804.wmv
Web – flash ile
http://blip.tv/file/get/Drbernie-ItalianWedding759.flv
And for those of you who can see it, the embedded player will play it right here.
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From Feedblitz – Is Anything Happening?
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From SyH – Get Undressed
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A new patient was quite upset when a nurse led him to a small cutained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want a doctor to look at my ingrown toenail," he protested.
"Our rule is that everyone must undress" replied the nurse as she handed him a very skimpy johnny.
"That's a stupid rule," grumbled the patient. "Making me undress just to look at my toe."
"That's nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle.
"I just came to fix the phones."
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From Tom Sokolowski – Cant Send This to Just Anybody
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There are just some e-mails you can't send to just everybody......
What gets longer when pulled,
fits between boobs,
inserts neatly in a hole
AND works best when it is jerked?
Scroll down.......
A Seatbelt you pervert!
Buckle up!
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From Sokolowski – You’ll Love This Photo
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The Project of the Day at the Hebrew Home for the Aged was, “Try to create something from memory”.
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From Gerry Rusthoven – So Good!
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This is great ! READ TO THE VERY END!
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.> 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! HE cheated! How come HE has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES....
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