09 March 2012

Friday, March 9, 2012

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

How u doin’?  The fUNNIES are out a bit earlier than usual … Hope you like ‘em … and special thanks to Dr Steve (your submission was way too demented for my audience), …. and thanks to Alberto for ‘perfume’ !  Have a fabulous weekend!  ☺ DrB

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Comments & Contributors
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• Chas Young – Sick of Apples
• bigguyhereagain - Signs Of Our Times
• Tom Sokolowski – Good One
• Feedblitz – More Pain More Gain?
• Chas Young – Ineptocracy
• The South Jersey Deviler via SyH - The Top Names for Wall Mart Wines
• Feedblitz – Look and See
• Fred Silver – Love Lawyers
• SyH – DAFFYNITIONS
• Hank Levine via Barry – Puns for the Educated Mind
• Tom Sokolowski – 100 Years, 100 Movie Quotes
• Tom Sokolowski - The Family Dinner Party

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From Chas Young – Sick of Apples
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Eve chats with God. "Lord, I have a problem."

"What is it, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals, especially that hilarious snake, but I'm just not
happy."

"And why is that Eve?"


"Lord, I'm lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain. All
in all he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger and faster and will
like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will
satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish
things like playing cards and knocking a ball about.

"He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think
properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows," but what's the
catch?"

"Well,..... you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord? "

"Well, since he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, you'll have to let
him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little
secret..... you know, woman to woman."

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From bigguyhereagain - Signs Of Our Times:
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Sign in office: "The easiest way to make ends meet is to get off your own."

Sign in a butcher shop: "Honest scales-No two weighs about it."

Sign by stuffed fish on wall: "If I had kept my mouth shut I wouldn't be here."

Sign on travel agency window: "Please go away."

Sign at cafe: "Eat here and you'll never eat anyplace again!"

Sign in retaurant: "If you are over 80 and accompanied by your parents, we will cash your check."

Pawnshop Sign: "Please see me at your earliest inconvenience."
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From  Tom Sokolowski – Good One
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A motor cycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...


Try it with the engine running.....

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From Feedblitz – More Pain More Gain?
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http://p.feedblitz.com/t2.asp?/147031/10269922/0/http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/card3026.jpg

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From Chas Young - Ineptocracy
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Ineptocracy

New Word:

Could not find it in Webster's. Googled it and discovered it is a recently
"coined" new word found on a T-shirt on eBay.
Getting really close to the bone!  Read this one over slowly and absorb the
facts that totally are within this sentence!

                               Ineptocracy

(in-ep-toc'-ra-cy) - a system of government where the least capable to lead
are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of
society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with
goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing
number of producers.

  _____

This word seems a very apt description of our current
political situation in too many countries.

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From The South Jersey Deviler via SyH - The Top Names for Wall Mart Wines
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- Chateau de Traileur Parc
- White Trashfindel
- Goofy Grape
- Redneck Red
- NASCARbernet
- Chef Boyardeaux
- Peanut Noir
- Grape Expectations
- I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

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From Feedblitz – Look and See
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http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/card3205-380x237.jpg

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From Fred Silver – Love Lawyers
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he
saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to
investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed
you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are
over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with
us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I
also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a
car as large as the limousine.


Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, "Sir, you are too kind.

Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my
place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing
as a heartwarming lawyer story...did you?

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From SyH - DAFFYNITIONS
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• ambush: the way a shrub introduces itself to a tree.
• bachelor: husband of a spinster.
• depressed: a bankrupt dry cleaner.
• Dodgers: jaywalkers in L.A.
• gossip: a mouth trap.
• horse sense: stable thinking.
• myth: a girl moth
• TLC: takes a lot of cash.
• Yardstick: a boomerang that doesn't return.
• quarterback: a nominal refund.

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From Hank Levine via Barry – Puns for the Educated Mind
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The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because
it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary


A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's
your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one
carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and
says 'Dam!'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in
ten did.


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From Tom Sokolowski – 100 Years, 100 Movie Quotes
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=594Oxq4c0XA&feature=related=


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From Tom Sokolowski - The Family Dinner Party
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To all of us with kids or grandchildren - Can't you just see this happening?

A friend hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone
was encouraged to bring all their children as well.

All during the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl
stared at the uncle sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in
place but nothing stopped her from staring at him.

He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for
him.

He finally asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went
quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."
     


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Have a terrific weekend!
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