Friday, March 2, 2012
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
Dear Loyal
fUNNIES readers – I have not been too well of late, with lots of doctor and
hospital visits … but today, I’m feeling a zillion times better than I have in
a while. No guarantees of my health, but
am definitely good enough to dole out some jokes!
Hope you get a
couple of chuckles & smiles! J Dr Bernie
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Comments & Contributors
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- Tom Sokolowski – A B C D E F G H I J K
- SYMANSAYS – Not Only Old Soldiers
- Feedblitz – We Are Information Scavengers
- Chas Young – The Birth
- Chas Young – The Aspirin
- The Book of Clean Jokes vis SYMAN – Daffynitions
- Feedblitz – Nothing Stays Perfect Forever
- Cousin Garry Lederman – Texting for Old People
- Tom Sokolowski – Water Bed in Germany
- Chuck H – Best British Ad of the Year
- cousin Toby – Confucius Didn’t Say …
- And another from cousin Toby – After Making Love
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From Tom
Sokolowski – A B C D E F G H I J K
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After being married for thirty years, a
wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while...then
said, "You're A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K."
She asks..... "What does that
mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful,
Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said.. "Oh,
that's so lovely.. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down
and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
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From SYMANSAYS – Not Only Old Soldiers
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When
General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military in 1951, he stated
famously, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away. But
five-star-generals are not the only ones who never die:
**
Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.
**
Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.
**
Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.
**
Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off
**
Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out.
**
Old crossword puzzles never die, they just go across and--hopefully-- up.
**
Old plumbers never die, they just get out of the sink and go down the drain.
**
Old math professors never die, they just go off on a tangent.
**
Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.
**
Old housemaids never die, they just return to dust.
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From Feedblitz – We Are Information Scavengers
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chas
Young – The Birth
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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to Labour is
asked by
the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the
birth
"I afraid I don't have a husband" she replied
"O.K. Do you have a
boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either.
Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my
own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn
you before you
see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on
my luck, with no money
and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn
film.The lead
man was black."
"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "thats
really none of my
business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward
questions
but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see
the co-star in the movie
was this Swedish guy
"Oh, I`m sorry,"
The midwife repeats, "thats really none of my business
either and I
hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little
Chinese man also in the
movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and
presents
her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a
slap on
the bottom. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved.
"I had this horrible feeling that she was going to
bark."
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From Chas
Young – The Aspirin
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A guy is out with his buddies.
He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but
true to his wife, goes home.
When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her
mouth wide open.
He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.
Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did
you put in my
mouth??"
He says, "Two aspirin".
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!!
He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."
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From The
Book of Clean Jokes vis SYMAN - Daffynitions
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appeal: the protective covering of a
banana.
assault: the condiment that compliments
apepper.
best man: the one the bride doesn't
marry.
Cheerios: doughnut seeds.
dilate: to live to a ripe old age.
Eskimos: God's frozen people.
graffiti: the writing on the mall wall.
lightyear: 365 days with only 365
calories a day.
parking place: a place occupied by
somebody else's vehicle.
punchbowl: a boxing arena.
mistake: Mr. Take's wife.
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From Feedblitz
– Nothing Stays Perfect Forever
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http://www.feedblitz.com/t2.asp?/147031/10269922/0/http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/card3098.jpg
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From Garry
Lederman – Texting for Old People
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You know the
teens have all their codes for texting... like: BFF (best friends forever) and
LOL (laughing out loud) and OMGTGN (Oh My God That's Great News) and BTW (By
The Way) etc.
So why not
have some texting codes for us old folks who are now using Smart Phones... You
know, things we can at our age can relate too. So I have submitted these:
Texting for
Old People
ATD - At the
Doctor's
BFF - Best
Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring
the Wine
BYOT - Bring
Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered
by Medicare
CUATSC - See
You at the Senior Center
FWIW - Forgot
Where I Was
FYI - Found
Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta
Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got
Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had
Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My
Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO -
Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living
on Lipitor
LPN (Lord Help
Now)
LWO - Lawrence
Welk's On
OMSG - Oh My!
Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU -
Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
WAITT - Who Am
I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the
Furniture Again
WTP - Where's
the Prunes
WWNO - Walker
Wheels Need Oil
Now, if you do
not think these are funny, just wait until you get to be my age and they will
be. But I have one more to add to the list and then I really must go. It is
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In! See ya!
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From Tom
Sokolowski – Water Bed in Germany
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Turn on speakers and watch people
trying out a water bed.
It is in German, but that only makes it funnier.
Watch for the last two ladies -
It is in German, but that only makes it funnier.
Watch for the last two ladies -
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From Chuck H – Best British Ad of the Year
From Chuck H – Best British Ad of the Year
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From cousin Toby – Confucius Didn’t Say …
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Confucius didn't say ...
From cousin Toby – Confucius Didn’t Say …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Confucius didn't say ...
Man
who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate
kiss like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady
who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel
who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man
who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man
who eats prunes get good run for money.
War
does not determine who is right;
war
determines who is left.
Man
who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It
may take many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man
who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man
who fish in another man's well often catch crabs.
He
who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
Confucius
would have said,
"A
lion will not cheat on wife, but a Tiger Wood."
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And
another from cousin Toby – After Making Love
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After a long night of making love, the guy
notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.Is this your
husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she
replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend,
then?' he continues.
'No, not at
all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad
or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to
be reassured.
'No, no, no! You
are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in
the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his
ear 'That's me --- before the surgery.' ....
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Have a terrific weekend!
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FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter …
they work hard at this creative stuff!
Thanks!
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