Friday, March 16, 2012
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
:) DrB
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Comments & Contributors
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- Susan Imberman – How to Piss Off a Frog
- SymanSays - BASEBALL vs. FOOTBALL
- Feedblitz – Hello? I’m in the Middle of Something!
- Tom Sokolowski – Pay Raise
- Chas Young – A Good Australian Story
- Clark Kidd – Employment Rate
- Frank Ingrassia – Mr Potato Head
- SyH - An Updated Medical Dictionary
- Gary Javitch – Gary Feldman, the Perfect Man
- Dave Thorn – Irish Joke
- Tom Sokolowski – 50th Anniversary Surprise
- Shelly Domanski and from Susan Imberman – Mothers of Boys
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From Susan Imberman – How to Piss Off a Frog
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From SymanSays - BASEBALL vs. FOOTBALL -As seen in Inspiration
Plus-
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Baseball is played in the spring, the season of new life.
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Football is played in the fall, when everything is dying.
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Baseball is played in the park, the Baseball Park.
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Football is played in places like Soldier Field and War Memeorial
Coliseum.
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Baseball is concered with ups.
"I'm not up. Are you up? He's up."
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Football is concerened with downs. What down is it?
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In football the specialist comes in to kick something.
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In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve something.
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In football, you wear a helmet.
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In baseball, you wear a cap.
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Baseball has the 7th inning stretch.
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Football has the 2 minute warning.
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In football, you receive a penalty.
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In baseball, you make an error...Oops!
Finally, the objects of the games are entirely different.
On
a serious note, I do believe our country was a gentler society when baseball,
(not football) was our pastime.
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From Feedblitz – Hello? I’m in the Middle of Something!
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From Tom Sokolowski – Pay Raise
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Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in.
What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as
you know, I have been an employee of
this
prestigious firm for over
ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat
around the bush. Sir, I would like a
raise. I
currently have four
companies after me and so I
decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this
is just not
the right time.
Employee: I understand your
position, and I know that the current
economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you
must also
take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and
loyalty to this company
for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into
account these factors, and considering I don't want to
start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten
percent raise and an
extra five days of vacation time. How does that
sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you,
sir!
Boss: Before you go,
just out of curiosity, what companies were after
you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric
Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the
Mortgage Company!
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From Chas Young – A Good Australian Story
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A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. (Chas: What a Drover??? DrB)
He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and
says....
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile’s mouth and place my manhood
inside. Then the croc will close his mouth
for one minute".
"Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink".
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his
genitals unscathed as promised. The
crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another
offer.... "I'll pay anyone $100 who’s
willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of
the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... "I'll try it - Just don’t hit me so hard with
the beer bottle!"
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From Clark Kidd – Employment Rate
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COSTELLO:
I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT:
Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.
COSTELLO:
That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT:
No, that's 16%.
COSTELLO:
You just said 9%.
ABBOTT:
9% Unemployed.
COSTELLO:
Right 9% out of work.
ABBOTT:
No, that's 16%.
COSTELLO:
Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.
ABBOTT:
No, that's 9%...
COSTELLO:
WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?
ABBOTT:
9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.
COSTELLO:
IF you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT:
No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to
look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO:
BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT:
No, you miss my point.
COSTELLO:
What point?
ABBOTT:
Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for
work. It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO:
To who?
ABBOTT:
The unemployed.
COSTELLO:
But they are ALL out of work.
ABBOTT:
No, the unemployed are actively looking for work... Those who are out of work
stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the
ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO:
So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT:
Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO:
The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
ABBOTT:
Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%.
You don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?
COSTELLO:
That would be frightening.
ABBOTT:
Absolutely.
COSTELLO:
Wait, I got a question for you. That means they're two ways to bring down the
unemployment number?
ABBOTT:
Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO:
Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT:
Correct.
COSTELLO:
And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT:
Bingo.
COSTELLO:
So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is
to just stop looking for work.
ABBOTT:
Now you're thinking like an economist.
COSTELLO:
I don't even know what the heck I just said!
And
now you know why Obama's unemployment figures are improving!
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From Frank Ingrassia – Mr Potato Head~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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| Mr Potato Head |
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From SyH - An Updated
Medical Dictionary
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- Artery: The study of painting
- Bowel: A letter like A,E,I,O,U.
- Cat Scan: Searching for kitty.
- D & C: Where Washington is.
- Fester: Quicker
- G.I. Series: Soldier ball game.
- Hang Nail: Coat hook.
- Morbid: A higher offer.
- Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
- Node: Was awate of.
- Out patient: A patient who fainted.
- Pelvis: A cousin to Elvis.
- Seizure: Roman Emperor.
- Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
- Varicose: Nearby.
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From Gary Javitch – Gary Feldman, the Perfect Man
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Frank Feldman,
the perfect man
A man walks out
to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the cab, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Like who?"
Cabbie:
"Frank Feldman! He's a guy who did
everything right all the time. Like my
coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman
every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over
everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at
tennis. He could golf with the
pros. He sang like an opera baritone and
danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really
special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to
order, and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me.
I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything
right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go
in traffic and to avoid traffic jams.
Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he
really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she
was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished
too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank
Feldman."
Passenger:
"An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met
Frank. He died and I married his
wife."
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From Dave Thorn – Irish Joke
From Dave Thorn – Irish Joke
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Paddy had been drinking at
his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's
Day.
Mick, the bartender says,
"You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".
Paddy replies, "OK
Mick, I'll be on my way then".
Paddy spins around on his
stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. He pulls himself up by the
stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on
his face again.
He looks to the doorway
and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air
he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much
better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"By Jeebers.... I'm a
little crocked," he says.
He can see his house just
a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame,
opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the
stairs and says "No damn way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom
door and says "I can make it to the bed".
He takes a step into the
room and falls flat on his face. He pulls himself up and falls into bed.
The next morning, his
wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up
Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says, "I did,
Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned . . .
you left your wheelchair at the pub."
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From Tom Sokolowski – 50th Anniversary Surprise
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A couple were celebrating 50 years together..
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their
honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm running
late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is,
and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all
together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just
flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop
for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but
my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't
have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your
mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very
poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout
the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we
just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
From Tom Sokolowski – 50th Anniversary Surprise
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A couple were celebrating 50 years together..
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their
honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm running
late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is,
and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all
together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just
flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop
for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but
my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't
have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your
mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very
poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout
the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we
just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
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From Shelly
Domanski and from Susan Imberman – Mothers of Boys
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I will be printing out 3 copies of
this for my daughter-in-laws to sign - Shelly
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Have a terrific weekend!
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