20120420

Friday, April 20, 2012

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

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Comments & Contributors
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• Stan Kegel – The List
• Tom Sokolowski – Sunburn Treatment
• Feedblitz – Mostly babies, pets and drugs
• Joel Goldstein – Reasons to Keep an Open Mind
• Denny Adams – Irish Virgin
• Aunt Marilyn – A Bisel Tsu Esse?
• Dave Thorn – Run With This One
• Alan Knight – Nag nag nag

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From Stan Kegel – The List
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The Conclusive, Definitive, Official Dewey, Cheetham, & Howe List:

Asst. Transportation Coordinator: Orson Buggy
Chairman, Federal Lubrication Board: Alan Greasepan
Horsepower Consultant: Mr. Ed
Latin American Trade Representative: Noah Comprenday
Proprietor of Car Talk's Men's clothing store: Euripedes, Eumenedes
Singing Urologist: Urethra Franklin
Staff Chaplain: Neil Down
Staff Nutritionist: Arlene Menu
Staff Reporter: Walter Crankcase
Director of Jamaican Baseball Operations: Reggae Jackson.

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From Tom Sokolowski – Sunburn Treatment
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Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For Sunburn.  A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?’ The doctor replied, 'It won't really do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.'

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From  Feedblitz – Mostly babies, pets and drugs
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http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/card3243-380x227.jpg

Babies Pets & Drugs

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From Joel Goldstein – Reasons to Keep an Open Mind
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"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."

-- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television."


"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
- - Admiral William Leahy , US Atomic Bomb Project


"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."
-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923


"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949


"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957


"But what is it good for?"
-- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.


"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

This 'telephone'has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us,"
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.


"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.


"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible,"
-- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper,"
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."


"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,"
-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.


"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out,"
-- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.


"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible,"
-- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.


"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this,"
- - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.


"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy,"
-- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.


"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
-- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.


"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value,"
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre , France .


"Everything that can be invented has been invented,"
-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required."
-- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University


"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself."
-- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.


"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
-- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse , 1872


"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon,"
-- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.


And last but not least...

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

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From Denny Adams – Irish Virgin
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In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper “final” arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: “BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

“RETURNED UNOPENED”

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From Aunt Marilyn – A Bisel Tsu Esse?
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A rabbi was walking down the street, when he noticed one of his
congregants...Moishe Pipick..on the other side of the street, entering a Chinese restaurant. The rabbi crossed the street to peer through the window of the restaurant, to see what his congregant was doing in the traif (non-kosher) restaurant.

Moishe ordered some spare ribs and some fried shrimp.
 
The rabbi continued to watch.

Soon, the waiter brought the spare ribs and shrimp. He was eagerly
devouring it with a hearty appetite...

...when the shocked rabbi, no longer able to contain himself, burst into the restaurant to confront him.

"Stop!" the rabbi shouted. "How could you do this? How could you
eat this food? It's ribs and shrimp. It's traif!"  (not kosher)

"Hold on, just a second" said the congregant. "Rabbi, did you see me walk into this restaurant?"

"Yes, I did," replied the rabbi.

"Did you see me sit down at this table?"

"Yes, I did," the rabbi again testified.

"Did you see me order my meal?"

"I most certainly did," the rabbi attested.

"Did you see the waiter bring this food to my table?" Moishe asked.

"Yes, I did," the rabbi again affirmed.

"Did you actually see me eating the ribs and the shrimp?" asked Moishe.

"Yes, I did. I watched you the entire time!" exclaimed the rabbi.

"Well, then," Moishe said calmly, "What's the problem, then? It was all done under rabbinical supervision."

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From Dave Thorn – Run With This One
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Run with this one!

http://www.drawastickman.com/episode1?o=66-69-32-67-82-69-65-84-73-86-69s66-89-58-32-84-72-69-32-66-65-78-68-69-69

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From Alan Knight – Nag nag nag
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NAG – NAG – NAG!!!
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client.

His last minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him: “What time of night to be getting home is this?

Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it” . . . . . . and on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub - - -


Pursued by his wife and her predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, and how terribly inconsiderate she had been, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight!” she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'



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Have a terrific weekend!
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