19 March 2010
Hi Everyone!
Terrific -- enjoy ‘em! Spring is here!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
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• Syman Says – Thought for the Day
• Tom Sokolowski - How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
• Barbara Rosenberg – How Do You Know When Love Fades?
• Sokolowski – 3 Little Boys
• Denny Adams – The Kissing Nun
• cousin Eliane Lederman – 9 Months Later
• Paul Keister – This Ought to Make All Grandpas Feel Warm and Fuzzy!
• Dr Imberman – The Miracle of Toilet Paper
• Fred Silver – Ed’s Proverbs
• Neil Stenlake – Marriage Humour
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Ssyman Says – Thought for the Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that will talk your ear off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski - How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one.. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or 'We don't need no stinking light bulb.'
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – How Do You Know When Love Fades?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's
voice from the kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie?
Chicken, beef or lamb?"
He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken."
She said "Piss off". You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Sokolowski – 3 Little Boys
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Denny Adams – The Kissing Nun
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I 'm
Catholic!"
"OK," the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane Lederman – 9 Months Later
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney...It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
Yes, I do.' said Bob. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister – This Ought to Make All Grandpas Feel Warm and Fuzzy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dr Imberman – The Miracle of Toilet Paper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver – Ed’s Proverbs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Note to Ed – I know you saw these … and liked them!)
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – Marriage Humour
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
-------------------------------
Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
------------------------------
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humour!'
-------------------------------
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trousers pocket'.
The man then said When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'.
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'*
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2010. All Rights Reserved.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
A Quickie Funny on a Monday
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
Sunday, March 7, 2010
07 March 2010
7 March 2010 (Sunday)
Dear Earth -
I degenerated on Friday because I was really busy on Thursday and needed sleep on Friday. So I figured I'd get the funnies out on Saturday ... but it was BEAUTIFUL outside, and so, as in my youth, spring fever sprung.
Anyway, here's a couple of goodies I got TODAY ... hope you like 'em ... and I promise to do better next Friday!
:) dr bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Paul Keister - Irish Invasion
• Fred Silver - Old Timers Sex
• Fred Silver - Florida Biker Bar
• Cousin Eliane Lederman - Hollywood Squares
• Cousin Gaylannie - Retarded Grandparents
• Steven Imberman - The Law
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fROM Paul Keister - Irish Invasion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you.
We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty.'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news. How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's
calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes
eleven.'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have
managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor..'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured
personnel carriers.
Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy,
that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites..
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.'
Whoa ,says paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day..
'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy.
I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no damn way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver - Old Timers Sex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well..'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence…
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence’!
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fROM Fred Silver - Florida Biker Bar
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Cousin Eliane Lederman - Hollywood Squares
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski - An Old Pilot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.' What are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Cousin Gaylannie - Retarded Grandparents
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(This was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.
Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks; they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wreck center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too..
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
.... PRICELESS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Steven Imberman - The Law
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Actual Court Responses - These are a hoot!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said,
"Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did
that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were
you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats
and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie
there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what
ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I
forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget?
Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you
actually
pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest
son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's
twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Were you present
when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:
Are you shitting me?
_______________________________________
__
ATTORNEY: So the date of
conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were
you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting
laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
She had three children, right?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were
boys?
WITNESS:
None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any
girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I
think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your
first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:
By death.
ATTORNEY:
And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:
Take a guess.
___________________________________________
_
ATTORNEY: Can you
describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about
medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a
male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the
Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this
morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how
I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how
many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS:
All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
fight.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS:
Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall
the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy
started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton
was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was
by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you
qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for
last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before
you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is
possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy ?
WIT NESS :
No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be
so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was
sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but
could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
IN
GOD WE TRUST
Dear Earth -
I degenerated on Friday because I was really busy on Thursday and needed sleep on Friday. So I figured I'd get the funnies out on Saturday ... but it was BEAUTIFUL outside, and so, as in my youth, spring fever sprung.
Anyway, here's a couple of goodies I got TODAY ... hope you like 'em ... and I promise to do better next Friday!
:) dr bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Paul Keister - Irish Invasion
• Fred Silver - Old Timers Sex
• Fred Silver - Florida Biker Bar
• Cousin Eliane Lederman - Hollywood Squares
• Cousin Gaylannie - Retarded Grandparents
• Steven Imberman - The Law
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister - Irish Invasion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you.
We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty.'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news. How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's
calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes
eleven.'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have
managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor..'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured
personnel carriers.
Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy,
that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites..
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.'
Whoa ,says paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day..
'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy.
I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no damn way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver - Old Timers Sex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well..'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence…
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence’!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver - Florida Biker Bar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Cousin Eliane Lederman - Hollywood Squares
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski - An Old Pilot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.' What are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Cousin Gaylannie - Retarded Grandparents
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(This was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.
Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks; they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wreck center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too..
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
.... PRICELESS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Steven Imberman - The Law
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Actual Court Responses - These are a hoot!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said,
"Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did
that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were
you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats
and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie
there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what
ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I
forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget?
Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you
actually
pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest
son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's
twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Were you present
when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:
Are you shitting me?
_______________________________________
__
ATTORNEY: So the date of
conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were
you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting
laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
She had three children, right?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were
boys?
WITNESS:
None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any
girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I
think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your
first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:
By death.
ATTORNEY:
And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:
Take a guess.
___________________________________________
_
ATTORNEY: Can you
describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about
medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a
male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the
Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this
morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how
I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how
many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS:
All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
fight.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS:
Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall
the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy
started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton
was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was
by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you
qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for
last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before
you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is
possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy ?
WIT NESS :
No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be
so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was
sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but
could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
IN
GOD WE TRUST
Friday, February 19, 2010
19 Feb 2010
19 February 2010
Hi Everyone!
Hope everybody is great – the snow has really wore me down (Shelly is now affectionately referred to as the plow – she does the shoveling so I won’t die! And believe me, I’m grateful!)
And, Shelly and I went to see the Letterman show – it’ll be on tonite – when they pan the audience, we’re on the extreme right, about 4 or 5 rows back – cool!
Have a warm weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Frank Ingrassia – Only in America
• Eddie R – Amazing
• Paul Keister – New Exercise Program
• Tom Sokolowski – Ca Na Duh
• Syman Says – From Pastor Tim
• cousin Eliane – Fondling in Bed
• Syman Says / Jim Ertner – Jest for the Pun of It
• Elyse – Perfect Girls Getaway
• Tom Sokolowski – Great Blonde Joke
• Barbara Rosenberg – Long Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Frank Ingrassia – Only in America
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spread the Stupidity
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Eddie R – Don’t Try This At Home
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is absolutely amazing to watch...a performance on the Russian Bar,
recorded for Chinese television at the Circus Festival of Monte Carlo.
The final stunt is unbelievable!
http://amazingacts.blogspot.com/2008/07/dont-try-this-at-home.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister – New Exercise Program
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I tried it, I liked it, you will too!!
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN ...
NOW SCROLL UP ...
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of Your Favorite Wine or Beer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Ca Na Duh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CA NA DUH
Now that Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website..
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Norway )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races.
Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Please send this on to any Canadian (or others) who you think will enjoy it as much as I did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Syman Says – From Pastor Tim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card." she said.
"But my husband is getting a haircut here," she explained.
"Yes," she replied, "But I need something you'll come back for?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane – Fondling in Bed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Double click to enlarge)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Syman Says / Jim Ertner – Jest for the Pun of It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** What is the purpose of reindeer?
It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
** Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
Because she mislaid them.
** What two classes is the animal kingdom divided into?
The aardvarks and the aaren'tvarks.
** What is a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and Squeak.
** What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby?
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
** What did the toy store sign say?
Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.
** What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
** What sign did the grizzlies put up?
Support your right to bear arms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Elyse – Perfect Girls Getaway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
shopping, casinos, massages, facials..
Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot down
and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she
can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in
the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night............ Yesterday evening I
was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his
hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?" I pulled his hands off to
find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead
me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen
candles and rose petals all over............ On the bed, he had
handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I
did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want.."
"So here I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM tom Sokolowski – Great Blonde Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first Super Bowl party. They had great seats right on the couch in front of the big screen TV.
After the Saints won, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like............... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Long Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
( I wish someone would do a similar list for New Jersey! DrB)
LONG ISLAND
You live in the shadow of the greatest city in the world, But you almost never go there.
When you're away from Long Island, you love it And when you're there, you don't.
You think if you're not from Long Island or NYC, You're not really from New York
You know the exact point at which Queens Turns into Nassau simply on intuition.
You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "The City".
You never realize you have an accent till you leave.
Everything north of the Bronx is "upstate."
At some point in your life you've gone clamming.
Either your parents or your grandparents lived in the city.
You'd pay $11.50 for a movie.
You don't live in Long Island You live ON Long Island
Your distant future might involve the state of Florida
You can correctly pronounce places like Ronkonkoma , Hauppauge, Wantagh, Mineola, Islandia, Massapequa
You know the location of 6 malls and a dozen McDonaldsAnd 36 7-11's.
You never, ever want to "change at Jamaica..."
You've tried to find the Amityville Horror house.
No, you don't want mustard on that burger!!
You can't understand why a diner would ever close.
You've had a seagull crap on your car.
You have or someone you know has fallen asleep on the LIRR And ended up in one of these three places; Babylon, Port Washington or Hicksville ..
You know White Castle is terrible for you And the food sucks but you periodically "Get the Crave"..
You want the Yankees to stay in the Bronx,But would probably go to more games if they moved to Manhattan
You think that somehow, the Jets and Giants still play in New York
You've missed that "Drunk Train", the 2:42 out of Penn And had the dreaded wait until 5:30.
You or someone you know has owned an animal That came from North Shore Animal League.
Quick! Who's your county Executive ? Don't know do you?!
You've never taken an MTA bus.
The Long Island Expressway isn't really as bad as everybody thinks.
You don't associate Fire Island with gay men.
You know which parts of the godfather were filmed on Long Island
You think Islip MacArthur airport is cute And you enjoy watching it grow up.
Billy Joel said it best, "either you date a rich girl from The North Shore, Or a cool girl from the South Shore ".
You don't really see the big deal about the Hamptons, Unless you got smashed at the Bordy Barn.
When people ask "where are you from?" You answer Long Guy Land and automatically assume everyone in the world knows that answer means New York York.
You've always liked Billy Joel and you own several of his "records."
The Belt Parkway sucks! You've been stuck in a traffic jam for more than 2 hours (without moving).
Your parents took you to All American, Nathan's or Carvel (on the way home from the beach).
Regular gas - $3.29 and you still pay it!!!
You hate paying tolls.
You don't have to go far to see your family.
You remember Grumman.
You know the color of the water at Jones Beach is not BLUE!
You were upset when all the Roy Rogers turned into Wendy's and Arby's closed for good..
You can spout off all the LIRR stops between Penn Station and Huntington.
Paying $35 for a haircut doesn't sound so crazy.
You think the people from Brooklyn are
"DA wunz dat tawk wit a accent."
You went sledding in the sumps.
You knew of Massapequa before
The Amy Fisher-Joey Buttafuoco nightmare.
You think going to Queens is a hike.
The first time you heard the term "Long Island Iced Tea", You were somewhere else and you laughed.
When you live somewhere else and are astounded To see that people actually stop at yellow lights..
When you just sort of presume that wherever you live, You'll be able to find good delis, good pizza, and good bagels.
You can name at least three bands that came from Long Island
When you walk in the city and you see two men holding hands...It becomes normal to you.
No word ends in an ER, just an AH.
You actually get these jokes And pass them on to other friends from Long Island
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2010. All Rights Reserved.
Hi Everyone!
Hope everybody is great – the snow has really wore me down (Shelly is now affectionately referred to as the plow – she does the shoveling so I won’t die! And believe me, I’m grateful!)
And, Shelly and I went to see the Letterman show – it’ll be on tonite – when they pan the audience, we’re on the extreme right, about 4 or 5 rows back – cool!
Have a warm weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Frank Ingrassia – Only in America
• Eddie R – Amazing
• Paul Keister – New Exercise Program
• Tom Sokolowski – Ca Na Duh
• Syman Says – From Pastor Tim
• cousin Eliane – Fondling in Bed
• Syman Says / Jim Ertner – Jest for the Pun of It
• Elyse – Perfect Girls Getaway
• Tom Sokolowski – Great Blonde Joke
• Barbara Rosenberg – Long Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Frank Ingrassia – Only in America
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spread the Stupidity
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Eddie R – Don’t Try This At Home
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is absolutely amazing to watch...a performance on the Russian Bar,
recorded for Chinese television at the Circus Festival of Monte Carlo.
The final stunt is unbelievable!
http://amazingacts.blogspot.com/2008/07/dont-try-this-at-home.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister – New Exercise Program
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I tried it, I liked it, you will too!!
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN ...
NOW SCROLL UP ...
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of Your Favorite Wine or Beer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Ca Na Duh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CA NA DUH
Now that Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website..
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Norway )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races.
Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Please send this on to any Canadian (or others) who you think will enjoy it as much as I did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Syman Says – From Pastor Tim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card." she said.
"But my husband is getting a haircut here," she explained.
"Yes," she replied, "But I need something you'll come back for?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane – Fondling in Bed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Double click to enlarge)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Syman Says / Jim Ertner – Jest for the Pun of It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** What is the purpose of reindeer?
It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
** Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
Because she mislaid them.
** What two classes is the animal kingdom divided into?
The aardvarks and the aaren'tvarks.
** What is a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and Squeak.
** What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby?
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
** What did the toy store sign say?
Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.
** What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
** What sign did the grizzlies put up?
Support your right to bear arms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Elyse – Perfect Girls Getaway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
shopping, casinos, massages, facials..
Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot down
and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she
can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in
the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night............ Yesterday evening I
was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his
hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?" I pulled his hands off to
find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead
me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen
candles and rose petals all over............ On the bed, he had
handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I
did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want.."
"So here I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM tom Sokolowski – Great Blonde Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first Super Bowl party. They had great seats right on the couch in front of the big screen TV.
After the Saints won, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like............... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Long Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
( I wish someone would do a similar list for New Jersey! DrB)
LONG ISLAND
You live in the shadow of the greatest city in the world, But you almost never go there.
When you're away from Long Island, you love it And when you're there, you don't.
You think if you're not from Long Island or NYC, You're not really from New York
You know the exact point at which Queens Turns into Nassau simply on intuition.
You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "The City".
You never realize you have an accent till you leave.
Everything north of the Bronx is "upstate."
At some point in your life you've gone clamming.
Either your parents or your grandparents lived in the city.
You'd pay $11.50 for a movie.
You don't live in Long Island You live ON Long Island
Your distant future might involve the state of Florida
You can correctly pronounce places like Ronkonkoma , Hauppauge, Wantagh, Mineola, Islandia, Massapequa
You know the location of 6 malls and a dozen McDonaldsAnd 36 7-11's.
You never, ever want to "change at Jamaica..."
You've tried to find the Amityville Horror house.
No, you don't want mustard on that burger!!
You can't understand why a diner would ever close.
You've had a seagull crap on your car.
You have or someone you know has fallen asleep on the LIRR And ended up in one of these three places; Babylon, Port Washington or Hicksville ..
You know White Castle is terrible for you And the food sucks but you periodically "Get the Crave"..
You want the Yankees to stay in the Bronx,But would probably go to more games if they moved to Manhattan
You think that somehow, the Jets and Giants still play in New York
You've missed that "Drunk Train", the 2:42 out of Penn And had the dreaded wait until 5:30.
You or someone you know has owned an animal That came from North Shore Animal League.
Quick! Who's your county Executive ? Don't know do you?!
You've never taken an MTA bus.
The Long Island Expressway isn't really as bad as everybody thinks.
You don't associate Fire Island with gay men.
You know which parts of the godfather were filmed on Long Island
You think Islip MacArthur airport is cute And you enjoy watching it grow up.
Billy Joel said it best, "either you date a rich girl from The North Shore, Or a cool girl from the South Shore ".
You don't really see the big deal about the Hamptons, Unless you got smashed at the Bordy Barn.
When people ask "where are you from?" You answer Long Guy Land and automatically assume everyone in the world knows that answer means New York York.
You've always liked Billy Joel and you own several of his "records."
The Belt Parkway sucks! You've been stuck in a traffic jam for more than 2 hours (without moving).
Your parents took you to All American, Nathan's or Carvel (on the way home from the beach).
Regular gas - $3.29 and you still pay it!!!
You hate paying tolls.
You don't have to go far to see your family.
You remember Grumman.
You know the color of the water at Jones Beach is not BLUE!
You were upset when all the Roy Rogers turned into Wendy's and Arby's closed for good..
You can spout off all the LIRR stops between Penn Station and Huntington.
Paying $35 for a haircut doesn't sound so crazy.
You think the people from Brooklyn are
"DA wunz dat tawk wit a accent."
You went sledding in the sumps.
You knew of Massapequa before
The Amy Fisher-Joey Buttafuoco nightmare.
You think going to Queens is a hike.
The first time you heard the term "Long Island Iced Tea", You were somewhere else and you laughed.
When you live somewhere else and are astounded To see that people actually stop at yellow lights..
When you just sort of presume that wherever you live, You'll be able to find good delis, good pizza, and good bagels.
You can name at least three bands that came from Long Island
When you walk in the city and you see two men holding hands...It becomes normal to you.
No word ends in an ER, just an AH.
You actually get these jokes And pass them on to other friends from Long Island
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2010. All Rights Reserved.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Friday 29 Jan 2010
Away taking some time with Mom ... no computer with me ... have borrowed Mrs Domanski's (doing the fUNNIES on an iPhone can a bit daunting!) Anyways, here are some goodies ... please excuse the informal format! Have a super weekend!
:) Dr Bernie
________________________________________________
from Tom Sokolowski - Watch the 2-minute video that shows a drop of water falling into a puddle at 2000 frames a second. You will see something totally unexpected. http://www.flixxy.com/water-drop.htm ________________________________________________
from Denny Adams - An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. -- If you judge people, you have no time to love them Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole. In America the young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.
_________________________________________________
from SymanSays - You Know You Are Living in 2010 when... -From The South Jersey Deviler- ** You accidently enter your PIN number on the microwave. ** You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. ** You have a dozen phone numbers to reach your family of three. ** You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. ** You start tilting your head sideways to smile. ** Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. ** You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. ** You're reading this and nodding and laughing
_________________________________________________
from Dick Sziede - Who was first? A Sailor or a Marine? A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service. After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima .' Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway. 'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.' The sailor responds, 'Point taken.' The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!' The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.' The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!' The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.' __________________________________________________________
From DayMiller -
how did deniro do this without laughing
__________________________________________________________
from Maureen Zack -
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,"Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".
Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".
Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!
Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
__________________________________________________________
from Steven Imberman -
Could someone tell me - what exactly is the point of taking this picture?
_________________________________________________________
from Eddie R -
Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-
Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:- In Eastern Europe
they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world"
meant.
And finally, in the UK they just hung up because they couldn't understand
the Indian accent.
___________________________________________________
another from dr steven - (I love lawyer jokes)
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said,
"Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did
that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were
you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats
and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie
there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what
ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I
forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget?
Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you
actually
pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest
son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's
twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Were you present
when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:
Are you shitting me?
_______________________________________
__
ATTORNEY: So the date of
conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were
you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting
laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
She had three children, right?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were
boys?
WITNESS:
None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any
girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I
think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your
first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:
By death.
ATTORNEY:
And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:
Take a guess.
___________________________________________
_
ATTORNEY: Can you
describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about
medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a
male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the
Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this
morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how
I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how
many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS:
All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
fight.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS:
Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall
the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy
started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton
was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was
by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you
qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for
last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before
you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is
possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy ?
WIT NESS :
No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be
so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was
sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but
could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok ... that's it for this week ... Hope you have a great weekend!
:) Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(c) the friday funnies by dr bernie, 1996-2010.
No intentional disparagement is meant by the contents of the fRIDAY fUNNIES ever! No violation of copyright intended. No intentional insults are ever meant. The Friday Funnies by Dr Bernie is written only or the amusement of it's FREE readership. Hope you have a great weekend!
:) Dr Bernie
________________________________________________
from Tom Sokolowski - Watch the 2-minute video that shows a drop of water falling into a puddle at 2000 frames a second. You will see something totally unexpected. http://www.flixxy.com/water-drop.htm ________________________________________________
from Denny Adams - An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. -- If you judge people, you have no time to love them Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole. In America the young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.
_________________________________________________
from SymanSays - You Know You Are Living in 2010 when... -From The South Jersey Deviler- ** You accidently enter your PIN number on the microwave. ** You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. ** You have a dozen phone numbers to reach your family of three. ** You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. ** You start tilting your head sideways to smile. ** Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. ** You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. ** You're reading this and nodding and laughing
_________________________________________________
from Dick Sziede - Who was first? A Sailor or a Marine? A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service. After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima .' Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway. 'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.' The sailor responds, 'Point taken.' The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!' The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.' The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!' The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.' __________________________________________________________
From DayMiller -
how did deniro do this without laughing
__________________________________________________________
from Maureen Zack -
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,"Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".
Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".
Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!
Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
__________________________________________________________
from Steven Imberman -
Could someone tell me - what exactly is the point of taking this picture?
_________________________________________________________
from Eddie R -
Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-
Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:- In Eastern Europe
they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world"
meant.
And finally, in the UK they just hung up because they couldn't understand
the Indian accent.
___________________________________________________
another from dr steven - (I love lawyer jokes)
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said,
"Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did
that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were
you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats
and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie
there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what
ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I
forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget?
Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you
actually
pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest
son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's
twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Were you present
when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:
Are you shitting me?
_______________________________________
__
ATTORNEY: So the date of
conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were
you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting
laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
She had three children, right?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were
boys?
WITNESS:
None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any
girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I
think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your
first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:
By death.
ATTORNEY:
And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:
Take a guess.
___________________________________________
_
ATTORNEY: Can you
describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about
medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a
male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the
Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this
morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how
I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how
many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS:
All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
fight.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS:
Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall
the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy
started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton
was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was
by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you
qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for
last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before
you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is
possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy ?
WIT NESS :
No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be
so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was
sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but
could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok ... that's it for this week ... Hope you have a great weekend!
:) Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(c) the friday funnies by dr bernie, 1996-2010.
No intentional disparagement is meant by the contents of the fRIDAY fUNNIES ever! No violation of copyright intended. No intentional insults are ever meant. The Friday Funnies by Dr Bernie is written only or the amusement of it's FREE readership. Hope you have a great weekend!
Friday, January 15, 2010
15 January 2010
Hi Everyone!
Have a super weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• cousin Eliane Lederman – The Accident
• SymanSays – More Actual Accident Reports
• cousin Gaylannnie – New Alphabet
• Rusty – Kids are Quick
• Barbara Rosenberg – The Pope Was Too Pooped …
• Tom Sokolowski – Irish Sausage
• Tom Sokolowski – The Shoebox
• Feedblitz – Mental Pictures
• Stan Kegel – Jay Leno Quotes
• Aunt Marilyn - Trayfe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane Lederman – The Accident
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Jewish man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap.
It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,” You must decide how many inches you want.
But this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM SymanSays – More Actual Accident Reports
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More Actual Accident Reports: -From Lehigh Valley Family-
- "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
- I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and their was a crash.
- The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
- "The accident happened when the right car door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
- "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Gaylannnie – New Alphabet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
The Alphabet - Now
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
Perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which we'd rather not mention..
H High blood pressure--We'd rather it low;
I For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory; we forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions. We have quite a few,
Just give us a pill and we'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting our fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in our ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year we are left here behind,
Z is for zest WE still have -- in OUR minds.
We've survived all the symptoms, our body's deployed, and
We're keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed.
IF YOU ARE OLD, HAVE A GREAT DAY.
IF NOT, YOUR TURN WILL COME!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Rusty – Kids are Quick
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__(THIS ONE IS REALLY FUNNY)________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_______(LOL)___________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father dn't
punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's still the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – The Pope Was Too Pooped …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Irish Sausage
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the
staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – The Shoebox
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE SHOEBOX
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years...
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little Old woman
had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had Cautioned her husband
never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said She would not
recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed
that it was time that he should know what was In the box. When he opened
it, he found two crocheted dolls And a stack of money totaling $95,000. He
asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me
The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that If I
ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only
two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of
this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Feedblitz – Mental Pictures
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/card2354.jpg
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Jay Leno Quotes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm sure you know. NBC announced they're pulling the plug on our show February 12th. Here's the amazing part. That is the exact date the Mayan calendar predicted we would go off the air."
"I gotta tell you, you know, the folks here at NBC, they don't handle these things well. They don't have a lot of tact. Like, after they cancelled the show, they told me if I put on ten pounds I could get on 'Biggest Loser."
"NBC said the show performed exactly as they expected it would and then canceled us. Don't confuse this when we were on at late night and performed better than expected and they canceled us. That was totally different."
"Supposedly we're moving to 11:30. Even this is not for sure. My people are upset. Conan's people are upset. Hey, NBC said it wanted drama at 10:00 -- now they've got it! Everyone's mad."
"I take pride in one thing. I leave NBC prime time the same way I found it -- a complete disaster."
"Kev, if we did get canceled, it will give us time to maybe do some traveling. In fact, I understand Fox is beautiful this time of year."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Aunt Marilyn - Trayfe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A rabbi was walking down the street when he noticed one of his congregants on the other side of the street entering a Chinese restaurant. The rabbi crossed the street to peer in the window of the restaurant to see what his congregant was doing in the trayf (non-kosher) restaurant.
The congregant ordered some spare ribs and some fried shrimp. The rabbi continued to watch.
Soon, the waiter brought the spare ribs and shrimp. The congregant was eagerly devouring it with a hearty appetite when the shocked rabbi, unable to contain himself, burst into the restaurant to confront his congregant.
"Stop!" the rabbi shouted. "How could you do this? How could you eat this food? It's ribs and shrimp. It's trayf!"
"Hold on," said the congregant. "Rabbi, did you see me walk into this restaurant?"
"Yes, I did," replied the rabbi.
"Did you see me sit down at this table?"
"Yes, I did," the rabbi again testified.
"Did you see me order?"
"I most certainly did," the rabbi attested.
"Did you see the waiter bring this food to my table?" the congregant asked.
"Yes, I did," the rabbi again affirmed.
"Did you actually see me eating the ribs and the shrimp?" asked the congregant.
"Yes, I did. I watched you the entire time!" exclaimed the rabbi.
"Well, then," the congregant said calmly, "what's the problem? It was all done under rabbinical supervision!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES will one day be found again at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2010. All Rights Reserved.
Hi Everyone!
Have a super weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• cousin Eliane Lederman – The Accident
• SymanSays – More Actual Accident Reports
• cousin Gaylannnie – New Alphabet
• Rusty – Kids are Quick
• Barbara Rosenberg – The Pope Was Too Pooped …
• Tom Sokolowski – Irish Sausage
• Tom Sokolowski – The Shoebox
• Feedblitz – Mental Pictures
• Stan Kegel – Jay Leno Quotes
• Aunt Marilyn - Trayfe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane Lederman – The Accident
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Jewish man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap.
It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,” You must decide how many inches you want.
But this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM SymanSays – More Actual Accident Reports
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More Actual Accident Reports: -From Lehigh Valley Family-
- "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
- I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and their was a crash.
- The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
- "The accident happened when the right car door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
- "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Gaylannnie – New Alphabet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
The Alphabet - Now
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
Perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which we'd rather not mention..
H High blood pressure--We'd rather it low;
I For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory; we forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions. We have quite a few,
Just give us a pill and we'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting our fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in our ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year we are left here behind,
Z is for zest WE still have -- in OUR minds.
We've survived all the symptoms, our body's deployed, and
We're keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed.
IF YOU ARE OLD, HAVE A GREAT DAY.
IF NOT, YOUR TURN WILL COME!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Rusty – Kids are Quick
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__(THIS ONE IS REALLY FUNNY)________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_______(LOL)___________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father dn't
punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's still the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – The Pope Was Too Pooped …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Irish Sausage
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the
staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – The Shoebox
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE SHOEBOX
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years...
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little Old woman
had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had Cautioned her husband
never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said She would not
recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed
that it was time that he should know what was In the box. When he opened
it, he found two crocheted dolls And a stack of money totaling $95,000. He
asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me
The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that If I
ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only
two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of
this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Feedblitz – Mental Pictures
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/card2354.jpg
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Jay Leno Quotes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm sure you know. NBC announced they're pulling the plug on our show February 12th. Here's the amazing part. That is the exact date the Mayan calendar predicted we would go off the air."
"I gotta tell you, you know, the folks here at NBC, they don't handle these things well. They don't have a lot of tact. Like, after they cancelled the show, they told me if I put on ten pounds I could get on 'Biggest Loser."
"NBC said the show performed exactly as they expected it would and then canceled us. Don't confuse this when we were on at late night and performed better than expected and they canceled us. That was totally different."
"Supposedly we're moving to 11:30. Even this is not for sure. My people are upset. Conan's people are upset. Hey, NBC said it wanted drama at 10:00 -- now they've got it! Everyone's mad."
"I take pride in one thing. I leave NBC prime time the same way I found it -- a complete disaster."
"Kev, if we did get canceled, it will give us time to maybe do some traveling. In fact, I understand Fox is beautiful this time of year."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Aunt Marilyn - Trayfe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A rabbi was walking down the street when he noticed one of his congregants on the other side of the street entering a Chinese restaurant. The rabbi crossed the street to peer in the window of the restaurant to see what his congregant was doing in the trayf (non-kosher) restaurant.
The congregant ordered some spare ribs and some fried shrimp. The rabbi continued to watch.
Soon, the waiter brought the spare ribs and shrimp. The congregant was eagerly devouring it with a hearty appetite when the shocked rabbi, unable to contain himself, burst into the restaurant to confront his congregant.
"Stop!" the rabbi shouted. "How could you do this? How could you eat this food? It's ribs and shrimp. It's trayf!"
"Hold on," said the congregant. "Rabbi, did you see me walk into this restaurant?"
"Yes, I did," replied the rabbi.
"Did you see me sit down at this table?"
"Yes, I did," the rabbi again testified.
"Did you see me order?"
"I most certainly did," the rabbi attested.
"Did you see the waiter bring this food to my table?" the congregant asked.
"Yes, I did," the rabbi again affirmed.
"Did you actually see me eating the ribs and the shrimp?" asked the congregant.
"Yes, I did. I watched you the entire time!" exclaimed the rabbi.
"Well, then," the congregant said calmly, "what's the problem? It was all done under rabbinical supervision!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES will one day be found again at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2010. All Rights Reserved.
Friday, January 8, 2010
8 January 2010
Hi Everyone!
What can I say – Happy New Year! Hope it’s not too cold where you are _it sure is cold in New Joyzee !) All the best!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Dr StevenI – the Cat in the Hat
• Barbara Rosenberg – Welcome to TPA Airlines
• the ImberBabe – Condemned for Xmas
• StevenI – Try Again
• Shannel St. Hilaire – Wife vs Husband
• Tom Sokolowski – The IRS and Grandpa
• Barbara Rosenberg – Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth
• Stan Kegel - The Official Dewey, Cheetham, & Howe Staff List
• Indexed – Nine More Minutes
• cousin Eliane Lederman – When You Have an ‘I hate my job’ day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dr StevenI – the Cat in the Hat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Welcome to TPA Airlines
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WELCOME TO TPA
(Terrorist-Proof Airlines)
We at TPA, Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business!
We can absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons will ever be carried onto OUR FLIGHTS !
Book your next flight with TPA, the safest airline in the industry.
AND, If a Muslim sees a naked woman he is obliged to commit suicide!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM the ImberBabe – Condemned for Xmas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3z8awXlm_8
Or
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM StevenI – Try Again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What is your name?" – asked the teacher.
"Mohammed". ... – answered the kid.
"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," –replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" – asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed. I’m in America and now my name is Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" – and she beat him.
Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Mohammed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?
"Well ma'am, 20 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two freakin’ Arabs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Shannel St. Hilaire – Wife vs Husband
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.' The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ ..'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests..
Main point
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – The IRS and Grandpa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'WINTER'
a poem by
Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
SHIT, It's Cold!
The End.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - The Official Dewey, Cheetham, & Howe Staff List
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More The Official Dewey, Cheetham, and Howe Staff List -From Stan Kegel-
Swedish Attorney: Bjorn Liar
Repair Cost Consultant: Bill M. Moore
Nutrician Consultants: Eaton Wright and Liven Good
Head of Building and grounds: Moe D'Lawn
Fact Checks: Elle Fynoe
Director of Staff Pay Increases: Xavier Breath
Car Talk Bouncer; Euripedes Ibrekayourface
Behavior Consultant: Wyatt B. Hoovesia
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Indexed – Nine More Minutes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane Lederman – When You Have an ‘I hate my job’ day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
Try this out:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
......Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart..Then you are just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for Johnson &Johnson!!!!!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2010. All Rights Reserved.
Hi Everyone!
What can I say – Happy New Year! Hope it’s not too cold where you are _it sure is cold in New Joyzee !) All the best!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Dr StevenI – the Cat in the Hat
• Barbara Rosenberg – Welcome to TPA Airlines
• the ImberBabe – Condemned for Xmas
• StevenI – Try Again
• Shannel St. Hilaire – Wife vs Husband
• Tom Sokolowski – The IRS and Grandpa
• Barbara Rosenberg – Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth
• Stan Kegel - The Official Dewey, Cheetham, & Howe Staff List
• Indexed – Nine More Minutes
• cousin Eliane Lederman – When You Have an ‘I hate my job’ day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dr StevenI – the Cat in the Hat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Welcome to TPA Airlines
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WELCOME TO TPA
(Terrorist-Proof Airlines)
We at TPA, Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business!
We can absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons will ever be carried onto OUR FLIGHTS !
Book your next flight with TPA, the safest airline in the industry.
AND, If a Muslim sees a naked woman he is obliged to commit suicide!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM the ImberBabe – Condemned for Xmas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3z8awXlm_8
Or
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM StevenI – Try Again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What is your name?" – asked the teacher.
"Mohammed". ... – answered the kid.
"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," –replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" – asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed. I’m in America and now my name is Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" – and she beat him.
Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Mohammed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?
"Well ma'am, 20 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two freakin’ Arabs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Shannel St. Hilaire – Wife vs Husband
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.' The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ ..'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests..
Main point
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – The IRS and Grandpa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'WINTER'
a poem by
Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
SHIT, It's Cold!
The End.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - The Official Dewey, Cheetham, & Howe Staff List
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More The Official Dewey, Cheetham, and Howe Staff List -From Stan Kegel-
Swedish Attorney: Bjorn Liar
Repair Cost Consultant: Bill M. Moore
Nutrician Consultants: Eaton Wright and Liven Good
Head of Building and grounds: Moe D'Lawn
Fact Checks: Elle Fynoe
Director of Staff Pay Increases: Xavier Breath
Car Talk Bouncer; Euripedes Ibrekayourface
Behavior Consultant: Wyatt B. Hoovesia
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Indexed – Nine More Minutes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane Lederman – When You Have an ‘I hate my job’ day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
Try this out:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
......Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart..Then you are just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for Johnson &Johnson!!!!!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2010. All Rights Reserved.
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