friday 24 Sep 2010

Friday, September 24, 2010

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at 

http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

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Comments & Contributors
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·         SymanSays – Some State Mottos

·         Kathy Brush Murphy – Wedding Fairy

·         Tom Sokolowski – SUV Present

·         SyH – Did You Ever Wonder?

·         Tom Sokolowski – Religious Truths

·         Sokolowski – Defining Calories

·         Sokolowski – The Dark Side of Women

·         Frank Ingrassia – Speed Bump

·         Denny Adams – Technology at its Best

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From SymanSays – Some State Mottos

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Some State Mottos: -From Joke-of-the=Day:

• Colorado: "If you don't ski, don't bother."
• Florida: "Ask us about our grandchildren."
• Illinois: "Please don't pronounce the "S."
• Iowa: "We do amazing things with corn."
• Maryland If you can dream it, we can tax it."
• Minnesota: "10,000 lakes. 10,000,000,000,000 mosquitoes."
• North Carolina: " Tobacco is a vegetable."
• Vermont: "Yep."
• Wisconsi: "Come cut the cheese."
• Pennsylvania: "Cook with coal."

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From Kathy Brush Murphy – Wedding Fairy

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A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their
40^th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant....

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a
wish."


The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world
with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic,
but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my
love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is
a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband
became 93 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful
bastards should remember fairies are female .....

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From Tom Sokolowski – SUV Present

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 Two old guys talking.
 
One said to the other: "My 69th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV". 
  
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!" 
 
First guy: "Yup.    Socks, Underwear and Viagra!" 

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From SyH – Did You Ever Wonder?

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Did You Ever Wonder...

- Can you cry under water?

- If money doesn't grow on trees why do banks have branches?

- Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

- Why do we have to "put your two cents in?...but it's only a "penny

  for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going?

- Once you are in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the same clothes 

  you were buried in for eternity?

- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

- What did cured ham actually have?

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From Barbara Rosenberg – Too Cute

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It  is so unusual to get a funny, non political, non sexist, non racist,  and non doomsday message that I wanted to make your day by sending  it along! I know you'll enjoy it.

The potty   --
a little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he  has been in there too long, so she goes  in to see what's up.  The little boy is sitting on the  toilet reading a book.  But about every 15 seconds or so, he  puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand. 

His mother  says: "billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a  while."
billy says:   "i'm fine, mommy. I just haven't gone potty' yet." 
mother says:  "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, billy,   why are you hitting yourself on the head?" 
billy says:  "works for ketchup."

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From Tom Sokolowski – Religious Truths

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During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Southern Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the liquor store.

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From Sokolowski – Defining Calories

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Defining Calories:

 Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at 

night and sew your clothes tighter.

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From Sokolowski – The Dark Side of Women

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A woman was in town on a shopping trip.  She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale slashed by 75 percent in the second.  In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

 It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.  The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
            
 As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.  She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.  She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop.  She was jubilant.
            
 Then she remembered her husband.  Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.  The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!?  I hope you're proud of yourself!  While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in pain in the Intensive Care Unit!  It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you'll ever take!  For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care.  And he will now be your career!"
            
 The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.
            
 The female Doc chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you.  He's dead.   Now show me what you bought."

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From Frank Ingrassia – Speed Bump

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Simply great!  :) DrB

http://www.flixxy.com/speed-bump.htm

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From Denny Adams – Technology at its Best

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Hong Kong at Dusk (I haven't a clue how this can happen!) Pay close attention to instructions.

Place your cursor at the top of the photo. You will notice it is 6:10 PM.
Bring the mouse down slowly over the photo without pressing the button on the mouse. Do not right or left click.
Night time appears, the lights come on, and at 7:40 PM, it's dark!
I think this is photo technology at its best!
Click below.

http://61226.com/share/hk.swf

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© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!

17 Sep 2010

Friday, September 17, 2010

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

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Comments & Contributors
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·         Clark Kidd – Tractor Dance

·         Dave Thorn – Why Men Are Never Depressed

·         Joanne Tenaglio – Texas Beer Joint Sues Church

·       cousin Gaylannie – He Must Pay!

·         Irving – Goldfish

·         Tom Sokolowski – Italian Virginity Test Kit

·         Denny Adams – The Salesman

·       Barbara Rosenberg – Which Service

·         Denny Adams – Very Good & Mostly True …

·         SymanSays – Tail Light Out

·         Feedblitz – It’s a Very Difficult Sport

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From Clark Kidd – Tractor Dance  (groan alert)

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Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson tractor.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right wheel, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his suspenders fall down from his
shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea-stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy

'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin tar out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

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From  Dave Thorn – Why Men Are Never Depressed

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Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You
can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the
truth. The world is your urinal... You never have to drive to another
gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have
to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work,
more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux
rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all
the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks.  A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open
all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face
stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes
-- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your
legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have
freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

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From Joanne Tenaglio – Texas Beer Joint Sues Church

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Texas Beer Joint Sues Church

In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on  expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer”, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means".

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.    

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented, "I  don't know how I'm  going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a  bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

True Story.

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From cousin Gaylannie – He Must Pay!

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Husband and wife had a tiff.

Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”

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From Irving - Goldfish

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http://blip.tv/file/4134807

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From Tom Sokolowski – Italian Virginity Test Kit

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Guido is planning to marry, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor,  Dr. Vinnie Vito Maccaroni says, "Yo Guido,, all Italians
use tree tings for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit....
a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Guido asks, "Yeah, and whata I do with dees tings, doc?"

The doc replies,"Before ya climb in bed on your weddin night, you painta one of your balls red and the utter ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the freakin shovel.'

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From Denny Adams – The Salesman

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A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Missouri.” Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says “one”.

The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid says “$101,237.65″.

The boss says “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”

The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’”

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From Barbara Rosenberg – Which Service

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On the morning of Rosh Hashanah as the congregation was filing into the Synagogue, Rabbi Liebenberg noticed little Max standing in the foyer of the synagogue staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Boruch a Tov, Max. 'Boruch a Tov, Rabbi Liebenberg,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. ' Rabbi Liebenberg, what is this?' he said, pointing to the plaque. 

The good Rabbi tenderly put his arm around Max's shoulder and said, ' Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.  Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.  Finally, little Max, in a voice barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?' 

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From Denny Adams – Very Good & Mostly True …

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Sometime this year,  we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.  
This is indeed a very exciting program,  and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:
  
  
Q.  What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
  
A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
  
  
Q..  Where will the government get this money ?
  
A.  From taxpayers.
  
  
Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?
  
A.  Only a smidgen of it.
  
  
Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?
  
A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set,  thus stimulating the economy.
  
  
Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
  
A.  Shut up.
  
  
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:      
  
  
          
*  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart,  the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
  
  
*  If you spend it on gasoline,  your money will go to the
Arabs.
  
  
*  If you purchase a computer,  it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
  
      
  
*  If you purchase fruit and vegetables,  it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala ..
  
      
  
*  If you buy an efficient  car,  it will go to Japan or Korea .
  
    
*  If  you purchase useless stuff,  it will go to Taiwan .
  
    
 
*  If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock,  it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
  
  
Instead,  keep the money in America by:
  
  
1)  Spending it at yard sales,  or    
  
2)  Going to ball games,  or  
  
3)  Spending it on prostitutes,  or    
 
4)  Beer or    
  
5) Tattoos.
  
  
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:
  
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !

  
No need to thank me,  I'm just glad I could be of help.

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From SymanSays – Tail Light Out

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Tail Light Out:  -From bigguyhereagain-

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't  have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

 

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

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From Feedblitz – It’s a Very Difficult Sport

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http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/card2692.jpg

Have a terrific weekend!

~~~~~~~~

© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!

27 Aug 2010

Friday, August 27, 2010

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com/

What a week! It was back to school for me … just typing it gets me tired … not seeing eye-to-eye with the ‘boss’ … it makes me yearn for summer vacation already!

Hope you get a chuckle from these …. And thanks to everyone for their contributions!

: ) Dr Bernie

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Comments & Contributors
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• SyH – Once a Pennsylvanian
• FeedBlitz – Why Spies Are Sexy
• Denny Adams – The Hack
• Chas Young – My First Time
• Woody Allen – The Moose
• Lonny Rosenberg – New Start-Up Business
• Fred Silver – True Friendship
• StevenI – Suddenly …
• Frank Ingrassia – Fun Manners Quiz
• Denny Adams - Elvis


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From SyH – Once a Pennsylvanian
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Once a Pennsylvanian Always a Pensylvanian: -From Bob-

** You have never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly" and New Jersey has always been "Jersey."

** You refer to Pennsylvaia as "PA". How many other states do that?

** You know how to respond to the question "Dijaeetyet?"

** You learned how to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes Barre, Schuylkill, the Poconos, Tamaqua, Tunkhannock, Bala Cynwyd, Duqueesne, and Monongahela because in school you had to.

** You know what a mummer is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least the highlights of the parade.

** You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" is and what it means if he sees his shadow.

** The first day of buck season is a school holiday.

** You own only 4 condiments: salt, pepper, mustard and ketchup.

** Customers ask the waitress for "dippy eggs" for breakfast.

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From FeedBlitz – Why Spies Are Sexy
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http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/card2661.jpg


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From Denny Adams – The Hack
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Abdul came to New York City, and, as so many immigrants do, he became a
taxi driver. But he was determined to be no ordinary taxi driver… at the
end of a 15-hour workday, he went home to city street maps and tour guides,
and studied and studied.

Within a fairly short time he knew every back street; every alley; which
one-way streets went one way and which, the other. And soon, because he was
so efficient at transporting customers from one end of the island to the
other, he was making double, and triple, what the other cabbies were
bringing home.

Well, New York being what it is, he determined that it would take forever
to build an “empire” in the city — what with the costs of insurance, and
garaging, and taxes — so he’d relocate to a smaller city, perhaps
Pittsburgh, or St. Louis, but apply all the principles he’d learned in New York.
So Abdul moved, taking his single cab with him. And assiduously studied
his new maps. And, sure enough, within six months he’d saved enough to
purchase a second cab and hire a driver — and before this driver was
permitted to foray into the city streets he had to pass a test
demonstrating his equally-deep knowledge of the city thoroughfares.

Time passed, and by five years later, Abdul had a whole fleet of taxis,
and fifty or more employees. His empire had grown such that he no longer
needed to drive, himself, but he sat in a luxurious office and devised
continuing improvements to his service.

One afternoon a reporter from the city newspaper came by to interview
Abdul — how he came to be there, and how an immigrant had become so successful.
Abdul explained that the secret of his success was hard work and absolute
attention to detail, but primarily hard work. He was still putting in
sixteen-hour days, six or seven days a week. “But,” continued the reporter,
“if you’re working so hard, when do you get a chance to enjoy the fruits of
your labors? What’s in it for you? What kind of life do you live?”

And Abdul got up from his mahogany desk, and walked over to the window,
drew aside the velvet drape for a glorious unobstructed panorama of the
city. He motioned the reporter over alongside him and swept his arm across
the vista of the taxi parking lot behind the building.

“There, my friend, is your answer. Life is a cab array.”

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From Chas Young – My First Time
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY FIRST TIME----



It was my first time ever

And I'll
Never forget

I'd do it
Again

Without a
Single regret.

The sky was
Dark

The moon
Was high

We were all
Alone

Just she
And I.

Her hair
Was soft

Her eyes
Were blue

I knew just
What

She wanted
To do.

Her skin so
Soft

Her legs so
Fine

I ran my
Fingers

Down her
Spine.

I didn't
Know how

But I tried
My best

I started
By placing

My hands on
Her breast.

I remember
My fear

My fast
Beating heart

But slowly
She spread

Her legs
Apart.

And when I
Did it
I felt no shame

All at
Once

The white
Stuff came.

At last
it's finished

It's all
Over now

My first
Time ever

At milking
A cow...

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From Woody Allen – The Moose
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A video gem for 1965 … he was truly brilliant!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmnLRVWgnXU&NR=1



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Lonny Rosenberg – New Start-Up Business
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A friend of mine just started his own business,
making land-mines that look like prayer mats.

"It's doing well," he says. "Prophets are going through the roof."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Fred Silver – True Friendship
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship…

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this -- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath ... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask - because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends (including the one who sent it to you).

Then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

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From StevenI – Suddenly …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly,

Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”



The man replied, “Yep, sure do..”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yep,” was the calm reply.

“And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan.

“Nope,” said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Frank Ingrassia – Fun Manners Quiz
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
International dining etiquette … fun … I’m a hopeless slob!

http://www.fekids.com/img/kln/flash/DontGrossOutTheWorld.swf

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From Denny Adams - Elvis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mother gave my sister and me ten dollars to buy lunch for ourselves at the diner down the street. On our way there we passed a man selling puppies. I asked, “How much for a puppy?”

“Ten dollars,” he answered.

Unable to resist, I coaxed my sister into giving up her lunch money and bought a puppy. I named it Elvis, and we went home.

My sister, of course, went immediately to Mom.

Mom said, “Back so soon?”

“I’m afraid we never made it to the diner.”

“Why not?”

“Because we spent ten dollars on Elvis.”

“Elvis?”

“That’s right. We ate nothin’, bought a hound dog.”


~~~~~~~~

© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today, All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff! Thanks!